Frustrating day and then God sent us an angel named Amie

Mike is having more and more combative hours today. It is so frustrating in trying to get the doctors to understand that maybe we have missed something. It is incredibly difficult to watch and feel so helpless. Doctors think it is pain so they keep upping the pain medication. `I have been told there is a fine line between pain control and suppressing breathing. So I hesitate to push it too far. I don't understand how much further you can push it. I was able to talk to admitting doctor and then request neurological consult. Then I had to leave the hospital and go be mom.

Elizabeth had a reception tonight for a big project that she just completed for the gift and talented program here in McKinney. It is an autobiography. I am blown away. Her writing is so expressive and she can really tell a story. Doug and Dena agreed to stay up here while I left. So I went by KFC to bring our part of the potluck and then I went home to pick up Elizabeth. It felt so good to be home, even for a few minutes. Even the dog missed me! I had a short minute to go through cards and mail. Once again, I am blown away. Thank you Kelly and Jay and Angela. To Fish Bayou, I love you so much. I am coming to your church at some point. Your card really spoken so loudly and I could feel your emotional turmoil.

I took Elizabeth to her event and then we went to the hospital. God has answered my prayers. Our night nurse is Amie. She looked at the situation and said, I have worked over 15 years in a palliative care section of a hospital and I have a lot of experience in this area. Can we talk. For the first time in a week, someone heard me. Someone explained things to me. I expressed my concern about the over medication and she explained the following:

All of Mike's drugs come from the Opi family. Pain is like a bucket and when your body is healthy and you overfill that bucket, that is when you run the risk of respiration's stopping. But when your pain bucket is empty, you need to fill it up. And over time, your body become used to it and you need more and more to fill it up. This is a very simple explanation, but we have to do something. Mike is chewing his tongue in the pain episodes. So we significantly upped the drip and Amie is making sure that she is on top of the other drugs. I don't have to call. That helps because I fall asleep and Mike's moaning wakes me up. We want to get to the point where there is no moaning. To stay on top of the pain.

We also are going to do an EEG tomorrow to check brain activity to see what that will tell us. We will be getting a Chest Xray in the morning to check his lungs. The days are flying by and day and night blend into one right now. This blog may be all over the place because my mind is just wired with so many medical things, emotional thoughts, and life in general.

Melissa has given me a gift - she is going to stay the night here at the hospital and allow me to go home to sleep with Elizabeth. While Mike doesn't talk, I know that his first concern would be Elizabeth and if going home to let her sleep with me will strengthen her, then I am there.

I have to say, I have been meditating on Jesus's words in Gethsemane the night he prayed with the disciple....

"My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." and
"My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done."

While I can never truly comprehend what Jesus suffered for me on the cross, these prayers and pleas ring straight my heart right now. I don't want to be walking this right now. Mike doesn't want to be walking this right now. BUT more than all this heartache, suffering, and turmoil, YOUR WILL BE DONE. I am so comforted by knowing that God know the day and time that all of us will walk home to be with Him.

I have to tell you I want to share/blog about the different decisions that have been made and the whole hospice or not question. But in the end, the decisions Mike and I make may not be decisions others make. Each situation is different, but in the end no one, no medication, no action will shorten your preordained time here. Mike would be proud to have so many surround him, fight for him, and love on him. But in the end, it is Christ's love for Mike that enables us/me to keep walking.

All prayer requests are the same please add clear mind for me as I continue to make decisions.
Praising Jesus for one more day. Amie. Mommy and Elizabeth time. Dear friends and family.