Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Happy Anniversary Mike

Dear Mike,

Words can't explain my feelings today. Oh, how I miss you! Life is so different and it just doesn't see possible that the world can go on with out you. 19 years ago, one hot day in Texas, I walked down the aisle. I can still see everything like it was yesterday. It was the best decision I ever made to say yes to your proposal. Remember how nervous I was? You were holding my hand and rubbing it with your thumb to get me to stop from shaking!

Our journey together was incredible right from the start. How is it possible that two people can be so right for each other. That is probably why I miss you so much now. You balanced me in every way.

Elizabeth has gone to band camp this week with her dear friend Abby. She played a big softball tournament this weekend. I had to pull her from their last game in order to get her to auditions in time. (We made it with 5 minutes to spare). The team was losing and she was mad and upset. She said Father's Day is a bad day to play softball anyway and she missed you so much. All I can do is agree with her. But guess what we did that morning to celebrate? Do you remember when Elizabeth was around 2 and I took my first girls weekend to Fredricksburg to scrap book with the women from Godsquad? I called to check in on you and Elizabeth. You had said everything was going great by Elizabeth wasn't eating. I asked you what you gave her for breakfast. You replied, "I made her on large pancake, put a fried egg on top of it and then put syrup on it." I laughed so hard! What toddler likes to food to mix or even touch on a plate? You explained to me how good it was. Well, in your honor, we made blueberry pancakes and poached eggs on Sunday. No they were not mixed together, but Elizabeth and I laughed as I retold her the story.

We are trying, Mike. It is not the same anymore, but we are moving. I think you would be proud. Can't wait to see you again!

All my love,

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Another Hard Season on the Horizon

Summer is here and so much is happening in our lives. For the second year in a row, I spent 4 days at Extreme Camp with the youth from our church at FBC McKinney. 32 kids accepted Christ and spending 4 days without phones, email, tv, technology is awesome. I love focusing on Christ and I feel like that is how I want to live my life. Even though, I am exhausted after camp, I am revitalized. We spend most of the day with God through song, lessons, quiet time, small groups, prayer... it somehow brings me closer to Mike as I know that he is doing something similar in heaven.

I think the longing for Mike will never go away. I think I have learned how to push down the grief and let life take over. But, there are moments when it catches you and you have to take a deep breath to gain control. We are coming into the really hard part of the year for Elizabeth and I. Father's Day followed quickly by our anniversary. These are the hardest days when our hearts hurt the most. So if you could pray for us, we would appreciate it and gain much needed strength from it.

Elizabeth has finished up her 7th grade year. It was more of a struggle than last year. She missed a lot of school, had weekly counseling appointments, but somehow managed to end the year in style. I am so proud of all her accomplishments. We were able to go the Dallas Museum of Art yesterday and she got to meet her hero Rick Riordan, author of The Lightning Thief, Kane Chronicles, etc. We stood in line forever and she got him to sign her two books that she brought with. She told him that his books were her sanctuary this year after her Dad died. He said something to the effect of I am sorry for you loss, but I am glad the books helped. I wish as a parent I could explain to him the depths of strength that she pulled from his writing. She not only read the books, but listened to the books on her IPOD. She feel asleep to them. She retreated to them when she needed to retreat. She used them to escape too.

At Extreme Camp the speaker really helped me work through some issues that I have had since Mike went to heaven. Here is my big revelation: My heart wallows so much in my sadness that it is taking away from my ability to move. God really spoke to me about moving in the past week and it is time to move. I have to find my life and my purpose now without Mike. I have to stop waiting for whatever I have been waiting for. I have to jump/take a step in faith/change. I have been frozen in fear at the top of the ledge for too long.