Monday, May 9, 2011

Finally, she posts!

A few more months have gone by since I posted. I know the shock and fog is wearing off as time goes by. It is hard to explain, but looking back, I am just more aware of my surroundings and able to handle more things than a few months ago. No, I don't miss Mike any less. Yes, I still find myself at times crying myself to sleep. But somehow I am just more aware of my senses.

In a way, the year mark made things more difficult and harder to process. I think I still was in the military spouse mode where you just do what you need to do to get through it. He will be back in 6 months, 9 months, 1 year... but the year came and went and Mike is not here. Words can't explain the loss I feel.

This single Mom thing is tiring. There are some days when you just want your help mate to go pick up Elizabeth so I can start dinner or finish the laundry or go to the grocery store. I am handling it, but our life has changed. I have a stock of frozen dinners, that we pop in the microwave. Laundry sometimes sits in the washer and dryer and therefore we wear wrinkled shirts. We drive thru way too much. I have set aside more money per month that I would like to in the "I can't fix that" fund.

Speaking of the "I can't fix it fund" this Spring has been crazy. Storms, wind, temperature swings. It finally got us and blew down a section of our fence. This coupled with a injured foot, bad teenager day, and a robbery down the street brought on the tears of frustration, loneliness, and fear. So I happened to ask a few of the guys at a Youth Meeting if they knew any fence repair companies. To make a long story short, I had 3 adults and 2 youth over here this weekend that repaired my fence for $10. It blessed me beyond words. But I have to admit, when I let the guys in the backyard, I went in the house and let the tears flow. I was so grateful and embarrassed at the same time. I need help, but I don't want to ask for it. I don't want to do this on my own, but at the same time, I want to be this strong person who can do this. I mean I am not some teenager. I am not weak. But asking for help makes me feel incapable and weak.

But it this weakness comes the blessing and knowledge that God is still here. He is still watching over us, blessings us, protecting us. My church assigned one of our Deacons to me. I didn't know this, but what a net. To know that I can call on the Ewings and they will do what they can is a great relief. The fear I feel is not from God. I am not alone, Christ never left me. I am weak, but am made strong in Christ. So we keep moving forward and I keep working on my pride. God place me here for a reason.

For those out there that still check in on me and this blog. Thank you. For those out there that still pray for us, please keep praying. Thank you to my church (both local and everywhere) for everything. I don't know that it is possible for you to know how you carry me!