Press On

So not quite a week ago (Saturday afternoon) I was having one of those really hard moments. Elizabeth wasn't with me and I had been by myself for a little too long. The phone hadn't rung in awhile, hadn't gotten a good piece of mail in awhile, hadn't gotten a good email in awhile and I was struggling. I was driving to the softball field and I was telling God that he needed to be ever near because I could see how depression could easily worm it's way into me. I had a few tears and just told God to watch out for me, this is harder than I expected.

God did an amazing thing - he responded quickly. He loaded my van full of 12 year old girls to go to a movie late that night. A van full of 12 year old girls will bring a smile to anyone's face as they are chatting away. He sent that scholarship letter. I have two lunch invitations. I have heard from friends that I don't hear from too often. I have gotten texts from people out of the blue. I finally had to have another talk with God today and say, "Alright! I really want to feel sorry for myself, but you are pounding your love for me home and I get it."

Last night, Elizabeth and I put down the book Heaven and I picked up our Chronological Bible and continued on where we left off weeks ago. We read from Philippians 3:1 - 4:23 where Paul is taking about how he had everything in the "Jewish religious world" or the perfect pedigree. But he counts it all loss compared to everything he gains with Christ. He says that he is not perfect yet, but he is pressing on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. He says he is pressing on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me. Then he ends encouraging his brothers to stand firm in the Lord. As we all know, I am not a Theologian but I do love Christ and this is what I got from that ... Press On. I mulled over those words as I tossed and turned last night. I spent some time crying on the couch where Mike last was in our house before we went to the hospital. AND God heard me and gave me a visual. Press on means to walk forward when it is hard to take a step. It means put your head down and your shoulder forward and use everything you have to keep from falling back against the force that is trying to keep you from going forward.... like a really nasty South Dakota blizzard or a really hard wind storm. (Like the reporters that are trying to stand in Hurricanes!).

I am really searching for what is supposed to be next. When people asked how I am doing, I either say fine (lie) or lost (truth). Not lost from my Savior or beliefs. Not lost in my roll as a mother. Not lost in the day to day things. BUT lost with the future. We didn't walk through everything to go back to the way things were. I am praying God will make things clear. I know He will. He is ever present. So I will press on and know that as I do God will make is clear the path He has for me (and Elizabeth).