All is well

I know my postings are hit and miss right now. My only explanation is that that describes my life, emotions, and day right now...hit and miss. It is already April 1st and it seems like Mike passed away only a week ago. Part of that has to do with running away to see the Prices' in London, but part of it has to do with how much we are struggling to define our days as well. I talked to Robin today (briefly) on the phone and I told her that I thought the carpet had been pulled out from underneath us when Mike was diagnosed with cancer and everything changed in an instant ... job, health, finances, home, etc. But I was mistaken. That better describes our life now. Day to day, we are ok. But when you start to think next week, next month, next year.... tears just flow. When you are married, you just don't understand how much you dream together, plan a future together, intertwine your life's, who you are, how you react. It is as God design - what you are supposed to do, and here is the kicker... you don't really know you are doing it. It just is. The funny thing is that we have been living day to day for over 18 months now, but I now realize even though we were living day to day, we still talked about the future.

Elizabeth came home with her report card today and it was incredible. She continues to amaze me and make us proud. But again, Mike is not here for me to say, "that is your brain power not mine for sure" or " we are so blessed".

I also found out late yesterday that Elizabeth and I should have been receiving Social Security Benefits from the moment Mike was determined 100% disabled. We should have been receiving an extra $1,000 per month which would have been huge for us (as many of you know that have followed the blog for so long). We were at first told we would be getting retroactive pay of $12,000, but then they said they sent us a letter in Jan 09 and we had 6 months to respond so we forfeited that money. I said I didn't receive the letter, but the SSA said it shows they sent it so we don't qualify. I would have never ignored that letter if I received it. So know I am waiting and asking questions about an appeal process or I may have to get a lawyer. It is so frustrating, because now on top of the HAP appeal that I need to finish and get in the mail, I might have to do another process with Social Security. It should be automatic... at least for the minor child you would think. But I guess the good side is that it gives me something to be angry at...right?

Another thing that is really hard is that Mike is everywhere. His handwriting, his notes, his computer, his clothes, his medicine, his computer.. and he should be. Today, I cleaned out a grocery bag and came across one of his devotionals. I opened it up to a page that had been flagged and this was the devotional (book is called GOD calling by AJ Russell)

Thrill of Protection

Turn out all thoughts of doubt of trouble. Never tolerate them of one second. Bar the windows and doors of your souls against them as you would bar your home against a thief who would steal in and take your treasures.

What greater treasures can you have that Peace and Rest and Joy? And there are all stolen from you by doubt and fear and despair.

Face each day with Love and Laughter. Face the storm.

Joy, Peace, Love. My greatest gifts. Follow Me to find all three. I want you to feel the thrill of protection and safety now. Any soul can feel this in a harbor, but real joy and victory come to those alone who sense these when they ride a storm.

Say, "All is well." Say it not as a vain repetition. Use it as you use a healing balm for cut or wound, until the poison is drawn out; then until the sore is healed; then until the thrill of fresh life floods your being.

All is well.

My dear sweet husband... knowing the journey he was on, I can see why this was flagged. But just as the prophesies have dual meanings that relate to the coming of Christ 2000 + years ago and the coming of Christ again (hopefully) in the very near future, this devotional I feel is sent to me from him. He would always tell me, don't worry. God will take care of it. His precious hands that turned down the page in this devotional are once again telling me.. Don't worry. All is well.

Prayer needs:
For all the paperwork and business of Mike's passing
Sleep, rest... healing

Praise:
Birthday lunch with girls today
To Doug, Dena, Wendy, and Jeff --- chicken spaghetti all to myself!!!!!!
Meals being delivered this week and next
Our precious Elizabeth.. I am so blessed.