Yesterday was an eye opener for me. Mike has been living with Jesus for one month. I had two revelations about that event yesterday. The first one is that time is not keeping correct time. How can it be a month already? It seems like it was just yesterday - literally. I have been running around but if I stopped and close my eyes, it seems like I was just yesterday. I remember every detail, every breath, every tear. Will that fade over time? In that same thought, time hasn't made it easier either. When does that happen? Will that ever happen? I don't mean to post that we have stopped living, we are getting up every day and we are planning future events and we are praying for direction. But it is not easy. AND I still hate forms... mostly because now I am filling out forms for summer camps etc, and under parents I put my name. The spouses employment section I skip. I have checked widowed. (which by the way, in my mind I am still married). I am technically a single mom.... life can turn on a dime that is for sure.
My other thought is that I am no longer counting down but counting up. Mike has been gone a month, which we have done many times before. But you always count down to when they will be back from some TDY, Deployment, etc. I would say it is one month, only 3 more to go. Now I am counting up... Mike has been with Jesus for one month and it may be 40 years before I join him or before Jesus comes back. Life has such a different meaning now. Life means living for Jesus and watching Elizabeth grow up, go to college, get married, etc. Death means living with Jesus and seeing Mike again. But I am praying that God will protect Elizabeth and I and allow me to stay on this earth to watch over her and guide her. I love that little girl (who is not so little anymore!).
Prayer needs:
Protection, wisdom and direction
God is be near and hold us tight
Elizabeth's dreams to be good
Praise:
Wonderful friends and family
Planning for the future
Jesus
6 comments:
Thanks for sharing. That is very profound. We are still praying for you two. Although I haven't lost a husband, I have lost (miscarried) a child I desparetly wanted. I can tell you from that experience, you never forget but the pain does lessen. Many years down the road, some small something can happen and it will be like putting salt in an open wound. It never completely heals. The peace is in the realization that you will be reunited some day. Love you friend!
Our prayers continue to be with you D. If it all gets to be too much, please consider finding someone to talk to for you or Elizabeth. It doesn't have to be a professional. There was a time in my life and I was overwhelmed and angry and afraid and the only thing that helped keep me from a trip to the looney bin (just kidding, but it felt like that some days) was a weekly bible study around the corner where a very dear friend and her husband welcomed me with open arms, wise inspired words, and a loving place to unburden my heart. You may know them. If you look in a mirror that dear friend will be looking back at you.
Deanna - our prayers are with you and Elizabeth as always. When Mike went to be with Jesus, the children began praying for Jesus to "please heal Deanna and Elizabeth." Every meal, every bedtime prayer and many times in between we pray for this. We know you and Elizabeths' hearts are so wounded and raw, but we trust Jesus to be the salve that comforts them. Much love, Kathleen
Amen to all written above, we are keeping you in our hearts, minds and prayers. I don't know what it's like, Deanna, but I know hurt and loss, and yes...time helps. Just keep your eyes on Jesus (Yeshua as Mike would say) and know He is always and in all ways with you. Love to you both, Lynnette
Deanna,
You are in my thoughts and prayers daily. I still check your blog daily for updates. I wanted to tell you a quick story. When my Grandma Alice passed, I was in tremendous conflict because I had tried to fly out to see her but we had a horrendous blizzard in Rapid City,and I literally couldn't get my van out of the driveway. After they brought in a front end loader to clear the drive, I made it to Denver to fly out, but it was already too late. The night before her funeral, I asked my brother for a bible because I wanted to read some passages at the service. Low and behold, my brother handed me a bible he had just found in a box in the basement, and it was mine, given to me by my Grandmother in 1974 for Christmas. Inside the bible was this inscription: The Lord says "I will make my people strong with power from me! They will go wherever they wish and wherever they go, they will be under my personal care." Zechariah 10:12
The Lord gave me strength that day to speak on behalf of my Grandmother, and I also knew that God was sending me a message, through her and the bible, that she was safe in the arms of Christ. Some people may believe in coincidences, but I don't. God puts people in your path for a reason and allows you to see glimmers into his kingdom, and his wisdom, in a time frame that is no less than perfect. Cherish your message from Mike. I'm sure he's watching over you lovingly :0)
I continue to keep you and Elizabeth in my thoughts and prayers. I know it is so hard to lose someone so close. There will be many hard days ahead, but it will get more bearable in time. I'm sure it's so hard because you all have been through so much over the last 19 months and you loved Mike so deeply. Hold on to each other and be there for one another. I'm sure Mike is watching over you and is proud of you two.
My professionals told me that it's best to talk to your loved ones, friends, and family and you don't have to apologize for your emotions.
God bless you all!
Love,
Cynthia Turzak
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