I am sitting at the computer. It is 12:30 am and I can't sleep. I don't really know why. Elizabeth and I were lucky to spend the last few days with the Grays at McChord AFB in Washington. It was wonderful because the weather was a complete 180 from Texas. I slept with the window open every night and was finally able to kick my cough that I have had for months. It reminded my of those great falls days in South Dakota so long ago. Elizabeth loved it because she was able to connect again with Rachel. Actually, it didn't seem that they have been apart for awhile. They had a great time and Elizabeth got to wander the base with her ID. They went to the pond, the BX for lunch, and the library. Those are freedoms she doesn't have here in McKinney. We also got to go to a block party and just slip back into the AF life for a very brief moment.
Elizabeth was sad to leave and she talked about this is what her life should have been - where she should be right now if it wasn't for cancer. I have to say that there are moments when I experience the same thought - what should have been vs. what is. Then for me, it is always followed up with why Lord? What is the purpose? AND I don't have the answer. I want the answer, but truthfully, I may never get it on this earth.
So, Mike has been in heaven 4 months now. The typical length of a TDY/Deployment. The grief is still so very strong. Only a very few people have really seen how deep my grief goes. I am getting better at doing the day to day things, but it is always there ready.. waiting for the time when I can release it. I have to say, prior to this, I didn't not give grief it's due. Prior to losing Mike, I might use grief and sadness interchangeably. But they are completely different emotions. In my case, grief seems to be like a piece of clay that is being added to the vase (Deanna) on the potter's wheel. It will become part of the original vase and never go away, but just be a different vase/vessel. AND in my case, you have no choice but to weave it into that vase. If you dismiss it or ignore the grief, your pot will crack. You have to incorporate it to strengthen the vessel.
Elizabeth and I are almost done with the New Testament. We will finish Revelations on Thursday. We have been reading about all the bad things that will happen in the end times. But tonight, we got to the part when Jesus comes on His White Horse. We will be reading about the new heaven and new earth and the River of Life. As Elizabeth said, the light at the end of the tunnel. THAT is the thing I know... there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. God promises. God delivers.
Elizabeth is going on her first mission trip this weekend to work with a few church plants and youth groups near Galveston. I am asking for prayer for both her and I. Pray that God moves in her heart boldly and for safety for the entire group of "Trailblazers". One of the things that she had to do was write her testimony that will be made into a pamphlet for her to use as she is working with the churches. I want to leave you with her words. God Bless each of you and I will try to do better at posting.
OK. It is late and now I am tired. I have having issues pasting from Microsoft Word. I will try to get it posted in the next day or so. Sorry!
4 comments:
We are praying for Elizabeth's witness. She has an incredible role model in this blog. Prayers as always, Kathleen and fam
So glad you posted. I believe this could be very good - writing down your thoughts. (I hope Elizabeth is doing the same?) I know I can't relate to what you're feeling...and it breaks my heart that you two are going through this. But I know if I talk to someone, I always feel better...and since you're talking to hundreds of friends, God willing it will help you, too.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted....... Psalm 34:18
Love and prayers always! Roxanne
What you said about grief is so wise. A person can't get around it. Something in us always knows that this world is broken...that what should be just isn't. The closer the "isn't" hits us, the deeper the grief that must be processed. I don't think anyone escapes life without grief, but I think that it becomes devastating for those who refuse to let it become a part of their vase because they refuse to come to peace with it. The probably believe a person CAN'T come to peace with it. But with Jesus, there can be peace.
I'd rather you and Elizabeth didn't have to have the grief. I wish you had the "should be" instead of the "isn't". I am so glad you have Jesus. It is sad and distressing to think of you going through this, but it would be unbearable if I didn't know you were in His hand and holding on tightly.
Lisa
Deanna you truly have a way with words. While I can't fully understand what you are saying about greif your analogy makes it more understandable. I still pray for you and Elizabeth daily. I hope Elizabeth's trip is wonderful in every way.
Stephanie Brentwood
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