O Holy Night

Here we sit. We are in the waiting room of McKinney Medical Center waiting on a decision whether or not we are doing chemo today. We got a call yesterday to show up at 8:00 pm for Avastin (angiogensis chemo agent). We got here and 8:00 and there may not be a bed available and we have to wait until after a meeting to determine bed needs. I am so tired. Both Mike and I didn't sleep well and this is so frustrating. Actually it makes me angry at the whole Tricare/insurance issues that we are facing. The first time we did chemo at the hospital, Mike came down with a fever within 24 hours of being here. He went on an antibiotic and we managed the infection at home without going back to the hospital. The 2 hour chemo took 9 hours. I just need to research the cost of that one day stay for the chemo to make the final argument to Tricare. Now, we are waiting on a room decision and another reason why we should be allowed to go back to the outpatient chemo solution that we have been doing for a year. We are now taking beds away for those in ER that need beds. But the more I deal in this world of medical/insurance/money, the more things don't make sense.

It is now 7:00 pm and we ended up having the chemo done in an Echo Cardio room. The hospital was full and I am grateful we didn't get sent home to come back another day. We got home around 2:00 pm. It is so frustrating and tiring. I feel like we are in this dance class and we have been shoved to the back of the room. We are still allowed to participate, but anything we get is because of the effort we put into it. I plan to get the cost of the hospital chemos vs. the doctor chemos and then attack Tricare after the holidays. I called our case manager and she is on vacation this week. So I will be patient, pray, and ask God to give me wisdom, tact, and discernment.

Mike is doing well and we are getting things together again. The house is on hold for the holidays, but I hope to get things accomplished soon. 2010 is right around the corner! Can you believe it? A new year... with great miracles! It is so odd that we have been on this road for so long now. It is still not routine, it is still tiring sometimes, but this road is filled with God. On Christmas Eve, we sang "O Holy Night" and a light just went off in my head and heart. The song had a new meaning this time. The portion that STILL plays in my soul is below:

Long lay the world in sin and error pining
'til he appeared and the soul felt it's worth
The thrill of hope
the weary world rejoices
for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn
oh fall on your knees
oh hear the angels voices
oh night divine
oh night when Christ was born

I will try to explain what this song spoke to me.

long lay the world in sin and error pinning - is cancer. Ugly, painful, and pining (which means an overpowering longing for someone or something) for it to go away.

til he appeared and the soul felt it's worth - this is the moment when Mike and I were prostrate in front of Him calling and He appeared and we were and still are overflowing with peace. The peace that everyone wants this time of year that they think is unattainable. Peace that comes flowing into you from the Holy Spirit even when life is not perfect, hard, or scary. It is from Christ

The thrill of Hope - these 4 words are so powerful. We walked for a short time without hope right after we were first diagnosed. But then, we truly experienced the thrill of hope. It is an excitement for the future and for things to come. God continues to give us the thrill of hope in big and small ways. The research that is being done where people are growing new esophagus's. In our situation, that is the thrill of hope!!

A weary world rejoices - we live weary. Mike is weary and tired. Weary to me means that you are worn to the bone but keep walking. We are worn to the bone with doctor's, insurance, medical whoha and everything that makes that up, but we keep walking and rejoice in the thrill of Hope for the future and small steps.

for yonder breaks and new and glorious morning - if we sit down and look, you can see it. That light that is just beginning in the east. We don't know what that light means, but it is always there. The light is Christ and his plan for us whatever that is. He has always been with us, is with us, and will be with us. He is our light in our future. That is all we need.

fall on your knees - Praise be to God. I actually get a visual here of myself on the ground. Thank you Jesus. Thank you for all you have done, all you placed in our lives, all the times you have answered our call and our needs. Thank you for giving us another Christmas together. Thank you for the support of family. Thank you for the path that you put us on that allowed us to meet all our wonderful friends all over the world. Praise you for all our Brothers and Sisters that have met our needs without even meeting us. You are the true LIVING God!

hear the angels voices - yes, I have heard them through many voices.

Oh night Divine - indeed. Christ's birth set everything in motion. His death fulfilled the deal and His resurrection sealed it! 2000 + years ago and here I am. Deanna. Walking. Saved. Hopeful. Full of Peace. Yes, Divine indeed!

Prayer needs:
Mike to gain weight - he is down to 131
Mike's healing to be complete on this earth
Return to Chemo in Dr. Khan's office and stay out of the hospital
Wisdom
Rest and family time

Praise - see fall on your knees section :)