And it's here... One Year

One year tomorrow. One year. What I wouldn't give for one more moment with Mike. To say that we miss him doesn't even come close to expressing the yearning we have for him everyday. I still don't understand how Mike got cancer so fast and so deadly. Even though it has been 2 1/2 years since Mike got cancer, it doesn't seem that long. It is one of those moments that defines your life. Marriage, birth, salvation, cancer, death....

I have to laugh at my last blog. I felt so strong and so ready to just go. Then the regression happened. Honestly, Valentines Day was the worse. I wanted to shrivel up that day. Our church has been focusing on marriage and that is a heavy blow as well. The last few weeks, my emotions were as out of control as ever. If someone happened to mention Mike, marriage, ask how are you, the tears would just flow over. It really is just a constant pain, sometimes dull sometimes sharp, that you just learn to live with.

Yet, it occurred to me that as much as we miss Mike, it is like a LONG deployment. It never occurs to Elizabeth or I that we will never see him again. It is just going to be a long time before we see him again (God willing). This may sound weird, but that is comforting. I can't imagine grieving without the hope of eternity with Christ. Heaven is a real literal place. No, it is not floating on clouds. It is vibrant and full of life. Honestly, I don't fear death because Mike is there. Christ is there.

One year later, the paperwork is almost put to bed. I was able to get the VA to adjust the DIC payment (they forgot to add Elizabeth) and now all I am waiting is for DFAS to catch up to that. That should be handled shortly. So, really all i's are dotted and t's are crossed...

One year later, it feels very lonely sometimes. It is hard. I am still good at the "everything is great" face. I still love and drink in every moment when people visit or call or write.

One year later, Elizabeth is good at the 'everything is great" face, probably better than me. She is excelling at school, involved at church, doing great in band, and developing closer and closer friendships. She is also working it out with God, which brings me the greatest joy and peace. She misses her father more than probably I even know. He had a way to stretch her, challenge her, listen to her, engage with her that I can't match (nor could he match my ways with her either). But Mike is her foundation and that will never leave her. I thank God for that.

One year later and I wish there was a big red EASY button to push. For me and Elizabeth, I know it is going to take more than one year to be ok or "get over it" as some might think. But in my mind, Mike's loss is more than your average. He was so much more. He was Mike, my beloved husband and the "best Dad ever created" to Elizabeth. And because of that, Elizabeth and I have decided not to mark tomorrow. We are not going to mark his death, but celebrate his life and his legacy by living as we normally would.

One year later, now what? I still don't know. I still pray for wisdom, for a job that fulfills me, for parenting skills, for health, and to continue to know Christ in ways that I have never known.

2011.. A New Year

New Years Eve... 10, 9, 8, 7... how is it possible to think so many thoughts in so few seconds. To leave 2010 behind was both good and bad. The good is the Hope that comes with every new year. To change things, to improve things, to start again. Yet, as I tried to hold back the tears it also meant leaving so much more than just a year. In a way, I am leaving Mike. I am going forward without him. I have to change what I thought was my future and help Elizabeth and I develop a new one. I was thinking one day about my future job and assessing my financial need for this imaginary (as of now) job. It was weird. Before cancer, I always planned with retirement in mind. We talked about places we wanted to go, places we might want to live, how many grandchildren we hope to spoil. All priceless things and moments because it was our dream together. So now as I am thinking what I need to save for the future, I stop and pause.. and actually stop thinking about it because it hurts to much to let go of those dreams that we had together. When you lose someone so precious to you, your loss is so much more than the person. You lose those plans, those dreams, those moments.

6....5...4...3 take a deep breath. Now it is time to accept reality. I am here now because I fell for Mike Phillips heart and soul and that I would not change. If I had somehow been given the vision of these last 2 years before we got married, I would have still said, "I do". The ride, the love, the moments, our daughter, our life... all worth it.

2...1... 2011 is here. Time to move forward and honor Mike. While Mike is gone, he left his heart, soul, and love here with Elizabeth and I. Elizabeth does things everyday that are so Mike. I can hear his voice cheering us on. Time to pull it together with Christ's help!

Twas the Week before Christmas

My intentions of posting more have fallen to the wayside due to "Christmas Craziness"! The weeks have been full of concerts, activities, our Churches Christmas Journey, shopping, baking, decorating, and moments of peaceful happiness watching classic Christmas cartoons on the couch with Elizabeth.

The past weeks have had their ups and downs and one day of full out crying. I was bound and determined to get Christmas Cards out this year and it forced me to go through all the cards from Mike's funeral. Oh, it hurt so much, but I am so grateful too. Eight months ago, I didn't think it would be possible to still be standing, much less "living (going forward)" when Mike went home to Jesus. I had a moment when I thought, "I can't believe I have made it this far. Mike would be so proud of me." But then I realized reading those cards, "I" didn't do it. It was your cards, your emails, your posts, your phone calls, your kindness, your listening ears, your understanding, and CHRIST who kept us going. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you. We still have major hurdles in front of us (like Elizabeth's birthday!), so I am asking you to still pray for us and keep us in your hearts. But, thank you Lord Jesus for carrying us with your loving arms or with your wonderful followers all over the world.

JESUS is BETTER than SANTA

Santa lives at the North Pole ~ JESUS is EVERYWHERE!

Santa rides in a sleigh ~ JESUS rides on the wind and walks on water!

Santa comes but once a year ~ JESUS is an ever present help.

Santa fills your stockings with goodies ~ JESUS supplies all your needs.

Santa comes down the chimney uninvited ~ JESUS stands at your door and knocks..and then enters your HEART!

You have to stand in line to see Santa ~ JESUS is as close as the mention of His name.

Santa lets you sit in his lap ~ JESUS lets you rest in His arms!

Santa doesnt' know your name. He says, "Hi little girl or boy. What is your name?"

JESUS knew our name before we were born. Not only does He know our name, but He knows our address too. He knows our history and future and He evens knows the numbers of hairs on your head.

Santa has a belly like a bowlful of jelly ~ JESUS has a heart full of Love.

All Santa can offer is Ho, Ho, Ho. ~ JESUS offers health, help and hope.

Santa says "you better not cry" ~ JESUS says "cast all your cares on me for I care for you"

Santa's little helpers make toys ~ JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs broken homes, and builds mansions.

Santa may make you chuckle ~ JESUS gives you joy that is your strength.

While Santa puts gifts under your tree ~ JESUS became our gift and died on a tree!

JESUS IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON!

Merry CHRISTmas!

Thankfulness

Thanksgiving is this week and I have so much to be thankful for this year, despite losing Mike (or Mike gaining heaven might be a better way of saying it).

I am so thankful that God in His infinite wisdom knitted this marvelous daughter, Elizabeth out of Mike and I. She is a beautiful reminder of life, Mike, and what really matters.

I am thankful for this house that we managed to buy (by God's grace) this time last year.

I am thankful to the USAF and all those we served with over the years who still consider us family.

I am thankful for my family that continues to be near when I need them to be and to back away when I need space to grieve by myself.

I am thankful for the nieces and nephews. I love being near them and being apart of their lives.

I am thankful for my friends - both new and old - who continue to pray for me and support me and listen to me no matter where in the world they live.

I am thankful for my church that allows me to serve Christ in all ways and for a church that strengthens my walk with Christ.

I am thankful for wonderful husband who loved me probably more than I deserved and who lived his life so fully. I am thankful for the incredible memories and the journey that our marriage took.

I am thankful that I got to love Mike to his very last earthly breath.

I am thankful that I found Christ and that I know that someday I will be with Mike in Heaven.

I am thankful .... I am.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Veteran's Day Tribute

So this is my tribute to all those serving and all those that have served. I have thought a lot today about the men and women who serve this country no matter what. They leave family, friends, spouses, children in a moments notice and know what it means to serve. Thank you.

Picture of Mike coming home in Spring of 2002. A happy Dad and a happy daughter!

Picture from Mike's funeral. My heart is so full of gratitude to each of you for being there for us and honoring Mike.

Mike is front at Change of Command Ceremony in Fall 2007

Freedom isn't free. It is bought and protected by those willing to go at all costs.

(we miss you Mike!)

8 month marker

The holidays are fast approaching. Every where we step, there are firsts all around. Elizabeth and I are slowly evolving into a team. She helps with typical things like laundry, chores, and cleaning. But now, she is climbing the ladder to replace one of our filters for the air conditioning (one is too high for me!) and helping put up lights outside on the trees. (yes.. we put up some christmas lights this weekend. The weather was great!).

I can't believe Mike has been in Heaven 8 months now and the whole is still turning. Sometimes you get mad that the world still turns, but it does. I have just finished pulling Mike's name off of the last account today. It took a letter from the lawyer, but it is finally put to bed. I am still waiting on the VA to respond to our DIC claim on Elizabeth. But that will happen in VA time. It was an oversight on their part and now we just need to wait in the que to get processed.

I have put going back to school on hold. I feel like I have to apologize for still not working yet. To who I don't know! But I have a lot of baggage that I am working on and I feel I need more time to pull my self out of the trauma that has unfolded since the word "cancer" entered our world.

Elizabeth and I are slowly functioning even though there is a big hole. We laugh, we retreat, we talk about the future, and talk about Mike/Daddy all the time. I really believe we are as normal as you can be in this process or just OK - which is fine. I find that not only has my relationship with Elizabeth evolved since Mike's death, but my relationship with Jesus has evolved as well. When Mike passed, I lost my teacher and someone who really knew how to apply the bible deeply in life. Now, I am on my own, and it really has made me struggle with my beliefs. My relationship with Jesus and life is so much cleared and very black and white. When Mike was sick, Jesus was so tender, so real and so close to the touch. As I have struggled to come to grips with Mike passing, I have wrestled with Jesus; wrestled with myself. If I love Jesus so much, why do I want Mike to come back? I have really wrestled, and in the end, Job speaks so loudly..
where were you when I laid the foundations of this earth? Tell me if you understand. Who marked off its' dimensions? Surely you know?
God is God. I am not. AND yet, as much as I questioned, as hard as I have pushed, he has not let go of me. He has not let go of Elizabeth. He is still treating us tenderly and blessing us in this storm. And somehow, 8 months into this new, uncharted, unwanted, unplanned journey, there are times you get the very slight glimpse of hope/light in the tomorrows to come.

I don't know who wrote this song, but I wonder if this song came out of tremedous grief. It speaks better than I do!

Oh no, you never let go
through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, you never let go
in every high and every low.
Oh no, you never let go
Lord you never let go of me!

I can see the light that is coming
for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
but until that day comes
we will live to know You on this earth.

And I will fear no evil
for my God is with me.
And if my God is with me
then whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?

Oh no, you never let go
through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, you never let go
in every high and every low.
Oh no you never let go
Lord, you NEVER let go of ME!

So that is is where we still are.. The Lord is holding on to us and he won't let go. So as it was in the beginning, we are ever in His Hands and Holding on Tightly!

Forced Closet Clean Out

I was forced into cleaning out Mike's clothes yesterday. It is funny because weeks ago I bought boxes, but I just couldn't do it. So the boxes have been sitting in another closet waiting. Yesterday, I got home from church and the rack holding my clothes ripped out from the wall and all my clothes were on the floor. Mike had the top rack and I had the bottom rack - yes I am the short one in the family. After a few tears, I took a deep breath and began the task. It was bigger than it seems, because in order to move the special clothes into the other closet in our room, it meant I had to clean out that one too.

So I laid Mike's clothes on the bed and waited for Elizabeth to get home from the Texas State Fair. She sat on the bed and she said, "I'm not ready to get rid of Daddy's clothes." I asked her why and the only answer she would give me is "because". I pushed her because I wanted her to verbalize the why, and she said, "Don't you think I have lost enough all ready?" (Ouch..) We talked more about others that could use the clothes, etc.. In the end, we boxed up 90% of the clothes, moved the box into the guest room to wait for another day, and left the very special ones hanging in the front bedroom closet.

Now for anyone who knew Mike, his wardrobe of choice was always black t-shirt and jeans. Actually that was his second choice. His first choice would always be the flight suit. We did not boxed up any of those t-shirts, and Elizabeth continues to sleep in her Daddy's t-shirts every night. I doubt that will ever changed.

I wonder about the rack falling down in the closet yesterday. In looking at the construction of it, I am sure more will follow. But why did it fall yesterday instead of when we moved in? Somehow I feel like it was a push to do something that has been in the back of my mind for awhile, but I just couldn't do it. It is really funny sometimes how you walk between just wanting to "rip off the band aid" of grief. You tell yourself if you just put your head down and walk over the hot coals, that it will hurt really bad, but then you won't hurt anymore. But it is not true. Grief is a slow throbbing pain that is constant and has flare ups sometimes. Yesterday was a flare up, but this morning I felt as if a weight had been lifted when I picked out my clothes this morning..... weird.