And it's here... One Year

One year tomorrow. One year. What I wouldn't give for one more moment with Mike. To say that we miss him doesn't even come close to expressing the yearning we have for him everyday. I still don't understand how Mike got cancer so fast and so deadly. Even though it has been 2 1/2 years since Mike got cancer, it doesn't seem that long. It is one of those moments that defines your life. Marriage, birth, salvation, cancer, death....

I have to laugh at my last blog. I felt so strong and so ready to just go. Then the regression happened. Honestly, Valentines Day was the worse. I wanted to shrivel up that day. Our church has been focusing on marriage and that is a heavy blow as well. The last few weeks, my emotions were as out of control as ever. If someone happened to mention Mike, marriage, ask how are you, the tears would just flow over. It really is just a constant pain, sometimes dull sometimes sharp, that you just learn to live with.

Yet, it occurred to me that as much as we miss Mike, it is like a LONG deployment. It never occurs to Elizabeth or I that we will never see him again. It is just going to be a long time before we see him again (God willing). This may sound weird, but that is comforting. I can't imagine grieving without the hope of eternity with Christ. Heaven is a real literal place. No, it is not floating on clouds. It is vibrant and full of life. Honestly, I don't fear death because Mike is there. Christ is there.

One year later, the paperwork is almost put to bed. I was able to get the VA to adjust the DIC payment (they forgot to add Elizabeth) and now all I am waiting is for DFAS to catch up to that. That should be handled shortly. So, really all i's are dotted and t's are crossed...

One year later, it feels very lonely sometimes. It is hard. I am still good at the "everything is great" face. I still love and drink in every moment when people visit or call or write.

One year later, Elizabeth is good at the 'everything is great" face, probably better than me. She is excelling at school, involved at church, doing great in band, and developing closer and closer friendships. She is also working it out with God, which brings me the greatest joy and peace. She misses her father more than probably I even know. He had a way to stretch her, challenge her, listen to her, engage with her that I can't match (nor could he match my ways with her either). But Mike is her foundation and that will never leave her. I thank God for that.

One year later and I wish there was a big red EASY button to push. For me and Elizabeth, I know it is going to take more than one year to be ok or "get over it" as some might think. But in my mind, Mike's loss is more than your average. He was so much more. He was Mike, my beloved husband and the "best Dad ever created" to Elizabeth. And because of that, Elizabeth and I have decided not to mark tomorrow. We are not going to mark his death, but celebrate his life and his legacy by living as we normally would.

One year later, now what? I still don't know. I still pray for wisdom, for a job that fulfills me, for parenting skills, for health, and to continue to know Christ in ways that I have never known.