School started today and this is a picture of our beautiful 8th Grader. Elizabeth is the best gift God could ever give Mike and I. I absolutely hate that Mike is in heaven and not here with us. BUT, I thank God every day for her. She does things all that time that are Mike. She thinks like he thinks and processes things the same way. She will say things some time and I will turn and look at her because it is exactly something Mike would say. She still has his feet, his walk, and his ears. It is a special gift because while Mike is with Jesus, truly part of him is still here with me.
Elizabeth has been very busy this summer. She went to band camp, church camp, the beach, and earned her first 3 hours of college credit at SMU TAG program this summer. We topped it all off with the vacation of a lifetime to Europe. We flew to Germany and spent two weeks with Jeff and Wendy touring Paris, Normandy, Rome, Naples, and Pompeii. It was incredible. The best trip I have ever taken. So when I got home, I really wrestled with it. The trip provided happiness, joy, education, wonder, great food, laughter, great weather..... and all that happened without Mike. I known I have progressed in my grief in that I am not devastated that I did it without Mike. I thank God for that.
Honestly, the tears and sadness got so hard that I finally went to the doctor and got an antidepressant. I couldn't help it. It wasn't a magic grief erase pill, but it stopped me from crying at the mention of his name. I don't regret it and I am not ashamed to admit it. It is hard to process how time is going on and things are happening without Mike. But we are doing better... not perfect but better.
I am still not working, but feel stronger about that transition in my life. More importantly, I think Elizabeth is stronger to handle that transition than a year ago. But I am still praying on direction and I would appreciate your prayers.
As of think of this journey, I thank God for each and every one of you. As I have said before, you have carried me when I couldn't walk, breathe for me when I didn't think it was possible, smiled for me when my heart was in shattered pieces, and prayed for me when I couldn't form the words in my darkest depths. I truly love you and most of all love my Lord Jesus who has never left us and continues to provide in ways that are miraculous and intimate.
10 comments:
She is beautiful, Deanna. What a blessing. And your trip sounds like so much fun! I hope to do that sort of a trip some day!
I'm so glad you recognized that you needed a bit of help and went to the doctor. Like you say, it doesn't erase grief, but it can help you be more equipped to process it in a way that doesn't leave you devastated and unable to function normally. I think it was a very wise decision on your part. You won't need it forever, and part of the reason you won't need it forever is you're taking it now!
I love you and I'm really proud of you.
Lisa
Good to hear from you Deanna!
Your daughter is beautiful indeed.
I too understand the need to ask for a little help as far as antidepressants go, I had to face my issues and deal with them the same way recently and I am so much better off for it, I still cry but not as much as I did (even though our situations are very different, the emotions are not).
God bless you Deanna, and continue to take care of yourself!
In His love,
Kelly
Thanks for sharing the picture of your gorgeous girl! We pray for you both each and every day and look for updates to pray specifically. We'll keep it up. Kathleen
Deanna...great to hear from you! (Since you are "not" an email person! :))
Elizabeth is soooo grown up! She is as beautiful as ever. (Tell her I LOVE the long hair!)
I'm glad you got another European vacation. Please tell Wendy hi from us.
Please know we pray for you often and will continue to do so. We send big hugs and many blessings...Love, Roxanne (for all the Maxwells)
Elizabeth has really grown! I still picture her as the little girl doing school work during our Bible study, but she has grown into a beautiful young woman. You're doing a great job! You're both still in my prayers.
God Bless You!
Stephanie Brentwood
Deanna,
So great to catch up on your last few blogs. Isn't it amazing how our "girls" are growing up so fast! You and Elizabeth continue to be in my regular prayers. I'm doing BSF again with Lindi...she's about the same age that Heidi was when we met you two!! Love, Gini
Deanna,
Admitting that you need a little extra help, and then going to seek it, is never something to be ashamed of. I had to get help myself recently, and it was incredibly hard to take that first step. I was raised in a family where talking about personal problems to ANYONE outside the family (except, maybe, for the pastor, and only under very special circumstances) was simply "not done." To begin talking to someone about my problems required great effort.
Because of this, I have only respect for you in your decision to get the help you needed.
Know that Kim and I keep you in our prayers.
aww shes so pretty :]
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