Found: The Exception

I have been mulling over Mike's words since my last post. I came across a file on the computer that he started. He had outlined a book and titled it "The Exception: How Christ cured me of Terminal Cancer". His Prologue was:

The purposes of this book is to glorify Christ, to strengthen the universal church by spreading knowledge of His healing, and to bring more people to a saving knowledge of His great power, mercy and love.

My prayer life is struggling with Mike's book. So many questions. I know that Jesus saved Mike that Christmas in 2008. I know the day it happened. I also know that now, Mike is cured of Terminal Cancer, but it is not the cure that either of us wanted. I am also struggling with what to do with this outline. Does the Lord want me to complete this book or use this outline for something else? I don't think it is an accident I just discovered this file. So I pray...

Over the past week, cancer has once again taken our fellow brother, Buzz Smith, home to be with Jesus. Do you remember the post Mike posted about a year ago? He talked about feeling like he was in a valley walking with fellow cancer patients and snipers were in the hills slowly picking them off one by one. Buzz was the last one in the cancer group Mike was referring too. I am SO ready for the air strike to be called in on cancer. There are so many things I would love to post on that subject... cancer knows no boundaries, it hits all groups, all ages, all ethnicity's, it is increasing (not decreasing).... as so on. Someone somewhere has to step back and think, "what are we missing? why after billions and billions of dollars are we still here?"

I also finished the paperwork on the deed to the house and the cars this week. I felt so sorry for this wonderful lady at the Title Desk yesterday. As I said many times, you never know where and when the emotions will hit, and tears flowed as I was changing the titles on the cars. I just couldn't get over erasing Mike's name from the cars. Legally, you know you have to, but emotionally you don't ever want to. Just seeing his name on paperwork is such a comfort. Technically, they ARE his too. The poor women and to make matters worse her mother has just been diagnosed with cancer and my emotions didn't help her emotions.

I have also discovered some things about this whole "grief process" as well in the past few weeks. Sometimes, tears don't come but an overwhelming exhaustion comes instead. Yesterday, I was extremely tired on the way home from the county office. At Buzz's funeral, I went back to the hotel to sleep because I was very tired all of a sudden. I also find that I am forgetting stuff that I would not normally never forget (like deodorant and toothpaste) or that I can't remember what I need to pack in order to leave. All weird, not Deanna stuff, but in the end a result of this emotion called grief that I am working through.

I am sure I have you all freaked out by now with my post. For those who know me, you wouldn't notice a difference, these are just things that are out of the ordinary for the "Deanna I was" prior to Mike's journey home. This may now be the "Deanna I am", or it maybe the "temporary Deanna". My life has definitely changed. My Savior, Jesus Christ, who strengthens me and upholds me has not. Praise be to Jesus for that, for sure!

Working on a new vase

I am sitting at the computer. It is 12:30 am and I can't sleep. I don't really know why. Elizabeth and I were lucky to spend the last few days with the Grays at McChord AFB in Washington. It was wonderful because the weather was a complete 180 from Texas. I slept with the window open every night and was finally able to kick my cough that I have had for months. It reminded my of those great falls days in South Dakota so long ago. Elizabeth loved it because she was able to connect again with Rachel. Actually, it didn't seem that they have been apart for awhile. They had a great time and Elizabeth got to wander the base with her ID. They went to the pond, the BX for lunch, and the library. Those are freedoms she doesn't have here in McKinney. We also got to go to a block party and just slip back into the AF life for a very brief moment.

Elizabeth was sad to leave and she talked about this is what her life should have been - where she should be right now if it wasn't for cancer. I have to say that there are moments when I experience the same thought - what should have been vs. what is. Then for me, it is always followed up with why Lord? What is the purpose? AND I don't have the answer. I want the answer, but truthfully, I may never get it on this earth.

So, Mike has been in heaven 4 months now. The typical length of a TDY/Deployment. The grief is still so very strong. Only a very few people have really seen how deep my grief goes. I am getting better at doing the day to day things, but it is always there ready.. waiting for the time when I can release it. I have to say, prior to this, I didn't not give grief it's due. Prior to losing Mike, I might use grief and sadness interchangeably. But they are completely different emotions. In my case, grief seems to be like a piece of clay that is being added to the vase (Deanna) on the potter's wheel. It will become part of the original vase and never go away, but just be a different vase/vessel. AND in my case, you have no choice but to weave it into that vase. If you dismiss it or ignore the grief, your pot will crack. You have to incorporate it to strengthen the vessel.

Elizabeth and I are almost done with the New Testament. We will finish Revelations on Thursday. We have been reading about all the bad things that will happen in the end times. But tonight, we got to the part when Jesus comes on His White Horse. We will be reading about the new heaven and new earth and the River of Life. As Elizabeth said, the light at the end of the tunnel. THAT is the thing I know... there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. God promises. God delivers.

Elizabeth is going on her first mission trip this weekend to work with a few church plants and youth groups near Galveston. I am asking for prayer for both her and I. Pray that God moves in her heart boldly and for safety for the entire group of "Trailblazers". One of the things that she had to do was write her testimony that will be made into a pamphlet for her to use as she is working with the churches. I want to leave you with her words. God Bless each of you and I will try to do better at posting.

OK. It is late and now I am tired. I have having issues pasting from Microsoft Word. I will try to get it posted in the next day or so. Sorry!