A New Chapter..

It has been awhile I know.  So much has happen since I last posted in March.  So I will try to catch everyone up...if anyone is still there!

Honduras was amazing.  I feel in love with our small town Jesus de Otero.  God met us in so many many ways.  Our pastor of our church that we worked along side was very mission oriented and he blessed us with his wisdom, his passion, and his church.  He encouraged us to be more bold in sharing our faith and our small team of 2 adults and 8 teens saw 160 people come to Christ that week.  I even had the incredible experience of watching an 8th grade boy be in-dwelt with the Holy Spirit and just boldly preach the truth to students who were mocking him.  It will be something I always remember.  Always.

We finished out the school year and God had big plans for us this summer and both Elizabeth and I felt like we have started a new chapter in our life book.  Elizabeth went to a few camps over the summer and continues to blossom in her maturity, education, and new adventures.  She started High School Band and that has consumed our free time.  But she loves it, so that is ok.

For me, I felt like I needed to push myself in the grief process and finally broke down and tapped into TAPS (Tradegy Assistance Program for Survivors).  It is a non profit that helps those who have lost a military member.  It encompasses widows, parents, siblings, and fiancés.  I signed up to go to workshop down in Killeen, Texas at Fort Hood.  I was VERY nervous but decided I needed to be brave and just show up and hope for the best.  Through these short few days I was able to work through some anger issues, some hurts, find kindred spirits in the others that are walking this journey, and not feel like such a "freak" in my skin.  I was also able to find about some additional benefits that I had no idea my family was entitled too.   Probably the biggest thing that I gained was empowerment.  Sounds weird right?  Because Mike did not die on active duty, I have felt that we were kind of not worthy of the same honor as those that were KIA.  Just how everything happened, I have always felt like we were swept out to pasture as soon as the words "terminal" were written in his record.  But, in talking with others, I realized that isn't the case.  I was also empowered because I shared Mike's life over and over again.  It is sad, but there were 200 people that had lost someone in the prime of their life.  Everybody wanted to know your story, know about your husband, etc.  I said his name more times in that weekend than I had in 6 months.  It was awesome!

So then, when I got back something just changed.  I put in a job application and I signed up for a Widow's retreat with TAPS in California.  This was a retreat of about 40 Widows.  Again, I spent 5 days with amazing women who lost the love of their lives.  These men are heroes.  They all have different stories.  These ladies were age 20 - 50's.  Some with kids, some without.  I was so blessed.  It is sad, really, but I just pulled so much strength from them.  All are at different stages of grief, but all are still moving.  That is a BIG deal.  No one really understands how your world completely stops when you lose someone like your spouse.  Your future is completely wiped cleaned and you are looking at this road wondering, "what do I do now?" or more like, "how do I do anything now?"  So again, to spend a weekend sharing Mike, listening to stories, laughing at Widow Jokes, crying in groups, being inspired by widows standing up for wrongs, it was empowering.

So, during all this, I was interviewing for this job and guess what?  They hired ME!  This whole summer God was in the driver's seat.  Truly.  He really placed things in my life in the best timing possible.  He spent the summer preparing me for this next chapter.  My job is amazing and a perfect place for me to be right now.  I laugh.  A lot.  I love getting up and going to work.  I drop Elizabeth off at school and then go to work.  I get off from work and pick her up from school.  My job is flexible in that I get to be there for her at school for events.  A bonus is that I pray at work, listen to praise music, and go to a brown bag bible study once a week.  My job is creative and yet task oriented.  I remember filling out this survey at the grief workshop in one of the seminar's I took.  It asked you to think of what you were like before everything happened and answer these questions.  Then think of your work environment now and how does it measure up.  The point was that if that your job was asking you to be more than you were or creating stress in areas that were not your strong suits, you needed to find another job.  Well, this job matches perfectly.  I pray that it continues the strengthen me and molds me for the next chapter, whenever that may come.

So now I am learning how to find balance. It is hard not having Mike's help sometimes.  Laundry is never done.  The house is never fully clean.  Things are on the back burner.  I don't have enough time in the day to do everything that I want.  Sometimes, I am just tired.  Sometimes, I say no.  Sometimes it can't be done because I have to work.  This is all a big change for me personally.  Things now have a priority and that is what gets my attention first.

Elizabeth continues to do well and continues to be her Dad in so many ways.  She walks like him, especially when she is in a hurry.  She thinks like him.  She is as smart as he is.  She is amazing and I love and hate that she is in high school now.  Time is going by too fast with her.

I need to end this by saying Christ is my stronghold, my tower, my protector, my all in all.  I can't imagine this without Him.  I can't.  He has absolutely carrying me. I love you all so much and thank you for your prayers, your emails, your encouragement, your shoulders, and your love.

In HIS hand and holding on tightly.... STILL!
Deanna

I'M BACK!!!

Hey guys,


It's Elizabeth. I have decided to start posting again after goodness-knows-how-many months of not writing. 
     So in order to kick off the start of my posting, I'm going to do one of those Facebook "25 Things" lists. Just for future reference, I promise my future posts will not be similar to Facebook posts in any way and I will maintain proper grammar and vocabulary throughout. Anyway I'll start with 25 thing that I love:


1. God (no explanation necessary)
2. My parents (again, no explanation necessary)
3. Belle the Beagle (sure, she can irritate me, but she is entertaining)
4. Playing the oboe (stressful, but very rewarding)
5. Rick Riordan and the books he writes (The Kane Chronicles, Percy Jackson and the Olympians and The Heroes of Olympus)
6. Harry Potter (Oh yes)
7. James Patterson's Maximum Ride Novels (The Flock is awesome!)
8. The Hunger Games by Susanne Collins (Team Finnick. Period.)
9. Softball (Champions for at least three seasons!)
10. Science/Engineering (I'm sorry, but rockets are the coolest thing man has ever invented)
11. Movies (Especially in 3-D)
12. Cereal (It's not just for breakfast guys)
13. Books in general (Twilight excluded)
14. My phone (if for nothing else, the apps are cool)
15. Mythbusters (Best. Show. Ever.)
16. My bed (Paradise...)
17. The beach (Paradise 2...)
18. Saltwater fishing (It's how I learned patience)
19. Ancient history (Unfortunately not taught in my school)
20. Europe (I've been blessed with the ability to travel)
21. Airplanes (Second coolest thing man has ever created)
22. Writing (occasionally I'll throw something nice onto a page)
23. Storytelling (More than just fiction :))
24. Peanut butter (a dish that can complement just about anything)
25. Doing absolutely nothing (Again, no explanation necessary)


Now we will move on to 25 Things that Irritate Me


1. Loud Noises (More specifically, ones that come from people)
2. Losing Things (It happens at least once every other day)
3. Know-it-all's (The only person who is a qualified know-it-all is God, thanks very much)
4. Overgrown plants (Shrubbery should be well kept and aesthetically pleasing)
5. Powerlessness (When you can't control something)
6. Self-Righteous people (takes one to know one)
7. Middle School Relationships (pointless...)
8. Formal Wear (Takes too much time to maintain)
9. Reality TV (pointless...)
10. Politics (You know it's bad when 8th graders are die-heart Republicans)
11. Oboe (Yes, oboe is on both lists because it is fun, but it is one of the top contributors of my stress level)
12. School (Needs to be engaging)
13. That period of time after you finish a book ("I don't know what to do with my life!")
14. My phone charger (Just keep shoving the cord into the phone, it'll work eventually)
15. One Uppers (Me: Our team won the game last night :D 
One Upper:I won MY game with one hand tied behind my back, holding a violin, while jumping off a cliff onto a trampoline
Me:...)
16. Thorny plants (I don't see a purpose in creating them, God)
17. Complainers (Me: Cool we get to go camping!! Complainer: Eww. Bugs and mud and no wifi)
18. Pop Music ("Baby, Baby, Baby. OOOOOOOHHHHHHH!!!!" And repeat 10 times= Instant Rock Star)
19. Hot weather (It's just not my style)
20. Broken reeds (If you've ever played a woodwind instrument, you feel my pain)
21. Confusing directions/instructions ("Could you repeat that please?")
22. Neon colored clothes (The 80's called...)
23. Fashion in general (Confuses me...)
24. Gossipers (Gossipers: Did you here what so-and-so did in history class... Me: Ok, I'm just going to go read now...)
25. Commercials ("What was I watching again??")


Alright, well I've gotta split. Number 16 (on the first list) awaits and number 2 (also on the good list) wants me to get into number 16 A.S.A.P. 


- Elizabeth

Two Years..

So it is right there again - hanging over our heads. Two years. Mark it. And guess what? It still hurts. I still cry. I still miss Mike more than words can convey. Elizabeth too. In fact last night she cried so hard her eyes are a mess today.

But the hardest thing to convey to everyone is the blessing of God all around us. The notes, texts, and calls from friends and families. Elizabeth didn't go to school today and we spent the day together. We went to Mike's grave and sat on the bench and REALLY talked. Well, she REALLY talked. I just listened and cried with her. But I consider it a gift that we have such an incredible relationship with my daughter.

I have to admit that as I was sitting at Mike's grave today, I was just overwhelmed by the thought of how did I get here? In all my time dreaming of the future, I never once saw myself sitting over Mike's grave. Not once. This path that I am on is not my own choosing. Elizabeth and I spent time talking about Florida and our house there. We talked about how we thought that it was going to be our home for a long time and how much we miss it. But then our conversation rolled around to: this is clearly where God wanted us to be because it wasn't in our scope of plans. Not even close. We also talked about how we wished we could wrap this journey in a nice bow and give everyone a reason why this has happened. And we can't.

But then our minds turn to the blessings in our lives. We talked about me still being at home with her. We talked about the men that have stepped in to help fill the void in her life and spent time calling her, having lunch with her, hugging her. We talked about our mission trip to Honduras coming up very soon. (Please be praying for us). We are going to the middle of Honduras and staying in host homes. We will have an opportunity to help people, go to school, plan rallies, and give our testimony. In all, 71 of us are going from our Youth Department at church and we are really excited to be used by God there. It is funny, because we both had to write our testimony for flyers, and I wrote my testimony how I came to know Christ. Well, it got turned back to be because it was full of scripture (which it is how it happened for me) and they reminded me that some people may not have heard about the bible or people in it. I had worked hours on it. So I went home and just started typing and did another testimony about cancer and I finished it in about 10 minutes. I will copy it below.

I have been able over the past month to be the physical hands of Jesus reaching out and hugging a new friend as her husband was losing his battle to cancer. I have been able to love on a very dear friend who is winning her battle over breast cancer. I have reconnected with a dear friend whose father is newly diagnosed with esophageal cancer. (Have I mentioned how much I hate cancer?) But in those moments, I am not Deanna, I am Christ physically being there loving gently, and passionately on them. I am surrounding them with love, hope, prayer, advice, and listening ears. And Mike's legacy is living on through that. Does that make any sense?

So yes, two years. Two difficult, sad years. But two years filled with blessings, Christ, and a richness that I would have never known.

Please be praying for us as we venture out soon on our first Mission Trip. I will blog when we get back and post pictures. Please pray for my Dad as he is getting a pacemaker this week. Please be praying for Mike's grandmother. She is in the hospital after cracking her c2 vertabra. She is 89 and has dementia among other issues.

I can't end this post without saying how much I love each of you and thank you for the years of prayer, friendship, support, and strength. As long as I live, I will never be able to express that enough.

Here is my testimony for our trip...

Cancer. It happened all of a sudden. When cancer came knocking, it took almost everything – our house, our job, all of our money, and then finally the love of my life, my husband, Mike.

I came to believe in Jesus Christ when I was 28 years old. Before Christ, my life was empty and really had no direction. After I started living my life for Christ, my life was full of happiness. I studied the bible, went to church, prayed, helped out at church, and lived a happy life that had a purpose.

Then Cancer came and took away almost everything I had. It was so hard! But through it all God was there. Mike was so sick, but I had to praise God for the great family moments we shared. Mike lost his job, but I had to praise God for the people that He had called to help us. We lost all our money, but I praised God for the money that people sent to help pay bills and even get school clothes for my daughter.

Finally, after fighting so hard, Mike went to Heaven to be with Jesus. I am still so sad, because I miss him so much. BUT, I have to praise God that he sent Jesus to earth to make a way for us to live in Heaven for forever. Mike believed in Jesus and went to Heaven. I believe in Jesus so I am happy because I will see Mike again in Heaven and live with him there forever!

It is still very hard and I feel empty sometimes because Mike is not here. But I fill that empty with Jesus. I remember to praise Him because he has taken care of me. He has sent people to help me with things I can’t do. He has provided money for me. He has provided a church full of people that believe in Jesus to support me.

Life can be very hard, but when you believe in Jesus and remember to look for His gifts even when things seem really bad, He will help you.

If you want a friend who will always be there, who will never leave you, who will be your greatest help in the hardest of times… Jesus is it! If you want to meet Him, I will be glad to introduce you!

Sweet"er" and Sour

First of all, Merry Christmas! This Christmas season has been surprising in so many ways. It has been a roller coaster for sure. Last year seemed so much easier than this year. As I continue to walk and grieve over missing Mike so much, I realize that I have really changed as a person both inside and out. The outward appearance is easy to talk about. I put on extra weight that I didn't need in the few months leading to Mike's heavenly homecoming and also in the year after. But I have managed to make a change and lose some of that weight over the past 4 months or so. I see that as a positive change. The inside is a little harder to explain - moments and things are just more treasured and sweeter.

I truly praise God for moments with Elizabeth. Everyday moments and things like when she grabs my hand to hold during church or when we lay in bed talking about the day. They are just gold to me. I pray almost as much as I breathe. I pray for friends, for strangers, for moments, for guidance, for strength, for family, for direction, and for comfort. I pray for those who are stuck in the hospital this time of year. I have stopped strangers in Walmart and ask about their injuries. I am more aware that life is far from perfect and people are suffering and struggling. Ironically, I find life sweeter because of what I have been through. I don't take good things for granted and I hurt more for others than I have ever done in my life.

Now, on the opposite end, this Christmas season has had more moments of sour than last year. I will admit that I have found tears easier to come by. For instance when Elizabeth is playing Wii and she exclaims, "Mom, Dad and I are running together (Mike's Wii Person he created)!" or "Dad's really good at Tuba (again Wii Music)". I miss him. Elizabeth has had some great recognition moments this fall at school and with her music. I miss sharing those proud parent moments. Elizabeth has needed help with Geometry and I miss his incredible teaching ability. I have made some financial mistakes and I miss his financial practicality. The list goes on and on.

But God doesn't let me dwell in my moments too long. He produces great stand in's to help ease the pain. He has given us family and friends that show up to cheer Elizabeth on and provide the warm fuzzies during those accomplishments. He has provided special deacons at our church to check in on us and ask what help we need. He has provided a great tutor for Geometry that is not only from South Dakota, but has ties to the AF. He has provided a friend that is a financial planner to help me mop up my mess.

Finally, God has places some interesting people and organizations in my path this month. I have placed a call to TAPS and I think I have found a place that can help me in ways I haven't been able to find. TAPS is the Tradegy Assistance Program for Survivors. A dear friend, Norma, signed me up about 4 months ago and I finally gained to courage to call about a resume' question. Anyway, I got a call from a fellow military widow and she got it. She is the first person who really got me, got my situation, and understands all the mental "mess" that makes up my grief. Truly, at this time, it is the best Christmas blessing this year.

I can't end this update without saying again how much I love each of you and how thankful I am for everything you have done since the word "cancer" entered our lives in September 2008. May God fill you with his richest blessings and shower you with His peace and unconditional love this Christmas Season!

Summer ends.... last year of Middle School Starts

School started today and this is a picture of our beautiful 8th Grader. Elizabeth is the best gift God could ever give Mike and I. I absolutely hate that Mike is in heaven and not here with us. BUT, I thank God every day for her. She does things all that time that are Mike. She thinks like he thinks and processes things the same way. She will say things some time and I will turn and look at her because it is exactly something Mike would say. She still has his feet, his walk, and his ears. It is a special gift because while Mike is with Jesus, truly part of him is still here with me.

Elizabeth has been very busy this summer. She went to band camp, church camp, the beach, and earned her first 3 hours of college credit at SMU TAG program this summer. We topped it all off with the vacation of a lifetime to Europe. We flew to Germany and spent two weeks with Jeff and Wendy touring Paris, Normandy, Rome, Naples, and Pompeii. It was incredible. The best trip I have ever taken. So when I got home, I really wrestled with it. The trip provided happiness, joy, education, wonder, great food, laughter, great weather..... and all that happened without Mike. I known I have progressed in my grief in that I am not devastated that I did it without Mike. I thank God for that.

Honestly, the tears and sadness got so hard that I finally went to the doctor and got an antidepressant. I couldn't help it. It wasn't a magic grief erase pill, but it stopped me from crying at the mention of his name. I don't regret it and I am not ashamed to admit it. It is hard to process how time is going on and things are happening without Mike. But we are doing better... not perfect but better.

I am still not working, but feel stronger about that transition in my life. More importantly, I think Elizabeth is stronger to handle that transition than a year ago. But I am still praying on direction and I would appreciate your prayers.

As of think of this journey, I thank God for each and every one of you. As I have said before, you have carried me when I couldn't walk, breathe for me when I didn't think it was possible, smiled for me when my heart was in shattered pieces, and prayed for me when I couldn't form the words in my darkest depths. I truly love you and most of all love my Lord Jesus who has never left us and continues to provide in ways that are miraculous and intimate.

Happy Anniversary Mike

Dear Mike,

Words can't explain my feelings today. Oh, how I miss you! Life is so different and it just doesn't see possible that the world can go on with out you. 19 years ago, one hot day in Texas, I walked down the aisle. I can still see everything like it was yesterday. It was the best decision I ever made to say yes to your proposal. Remember how nervous I was? You were holding my hand and rubbing it with your thumb to get me to stop from shaking!

Our journey together was incredible right from the start. How is it possible that two people can be so right for each other. That is probably why I miss you so much now. You balanced me in every way.

Elizabeth has gone to band camp this week with her dear friend Abby. She played a big softball tournament this weekend. I had to pull her from their last game in order to get her to auditions in time. (We made it with 5 minutes to spare). The team was losing and she was mad and upset. She said Father's Day is a bad day to play softball anyway and she missed you so much. All I can do is agree with her. But guess what we did that morning to celebrate? Do you remember when Elizabeth was around 2 and I took my first girls weekend to Fredricksburg to scrap book with the women from Godsquad? I called to check in on you and Elizabeth. You had said everything was going great by Elizabeth wasn't eating. I asked you what you gave her for breakfast. You replied, "I made her on large pancake, put a fried egg on top of it and then put syrup on it." I laughed so hard! What toddler likes to food to mix or even touch on a plate? You explained to me how good it was. Well, in your honor, we made blueberry pancakes and poached eggs on Sunday. No they were not mixed together, but Elizabeth and I laughed as I retold her the story.

We are trying, Mike. It is not the same anymore, but we are moving. I think you would be proud. Can't wait to see you again!

All my love,

Deanna

Another Hard Season on the Horizon

Summer is here and so much is happening in our lives. For the second year in a row, I spent 4 days at Extreme Camp with the youth from our church at FBC McKinney. 32 kids accepted Christ and spending 4 days without phones, email, tv, technology is awesome. I love focusing on Christ and I feel like that is how I want to live my life. Even though, I am exhausted after camp, I am revitalized. We spend most of the day with God through song, lessons, quiet time, small groups, prayer... it somehow brings me closer to Mike as I know that he is doing something similar in heaven.

I think the longing for Mike will never go away. I think I have learned how to push down the grief and let life take over. But, there are moments when it catches you and you have to take a deep breath to gain control. We are coming into the really hard part of the year for Elizabeth and I. Father's Day followed quickly by our anniversary. These are the hardest days when our hearts hurt the most. So if you could pray for us, we would appreciate it and gain much needed strength from it.

Elizabeth has finished up her 7th grade year. It was more of a struggle than last year. She missed a lot of school, had weekly counseling appointments, but somehow managed to end the year in style. I am so proud of all her accomplishments. We were able to go the Dallas Museum of Art yesterday and she got to meet her hero Rick Riordan, author of The Lightning Thief, Kane Chronicles, etc. We stood in line forever and she got him to sign her two books that she brought with. She told him that his books were her sanctuary this year after her Dad died. He said something to the effect of I am sorry for you loss, but I am glad the books helped. I wish as a parent I could explain to him the depths of strength that she pulled from his writing. She not only read the books, but listened to the books on her IPOD. She feel asleep to them. She retreated to them when she needed to retreat. She used them to escape too.

At Extreme Camp the speaker really helped me work through some issues that I have had since Mike went to heaven. Here is my big revelation: My heart wallows so much in my sadness that it is taking away from my ability to move. God really spoke to me about moving in the past week and it is time to move. I have to find my life and my purpose now without Mike. I have to stop waiting for whatever I have been waiting for. I have to jump/take a step in faith/change. I have been frozen in fear at the top of the ledge for too long.

Finally, she posts!

A few more months have gone by since I posted. I know the shock and fog is wearing off as time goes by. It is hard to explain, but looking back, I am just more aware of my surroundings and able to handle more things than a few months ago. No, I don't miss Mike any less. Yes, I still find myself at times crying myself to sleep. But somehow I am just more aware of my senses.

In a way, the year mark made things more difficult and harder to process. I think I still was in the military spouse mode where you just do what you need to do to get through it. He will be back in 6 months, 9 months, 1 year... but the year came and went and Mike is not here. Words can't explain the loss I feel.

This single Mom thing is tiring. There are some days when you just want your help mate to go pick up Elizabeth so I can start dinner or finish the laundry or go to the grocery store. I am handling it, but our life has changed. I have a stock of frozen dinners, that we pop in the microwave. Laundry sometimes sits in the washer and dryer and therefore we wear wrinkled shirts. We drive thru way too much. I have set aside more money per month that I would like to in the "I can't fix that" fund.

Speaking of the "I can't fix it fund" this Spring has been crazy. Storms, wind, temperature swings. It finally got us and blew down a section of our fence. This coupled with a injured foot, bad teenager day, and a robbery down the street brought on the tears of frustration, loneliness, and fear. So I happened to ask a few of the guys at a Youth Meeting if they knew any fence repair companies. To make a long story short, I had 3 adults and 2 youth over here this weekend that repaired my fence for $10. It blessed me beyond words. But I have to admit, when I let the guys in the backyard, I went in the house and let the tears flow. I was so grateful and embarrassed at the same time. I need help, but I don't want to ask for it. I don't want to do this on my own, but at the same time, I want to be this strong person who can do this. I mean I am not some teenager. I am not weak. But asking for help makes me feel incapable and weak.

But it this weakness comes the blessing and knowledge that God is still here. He is still watching over us, blessings us, protecting us. My church assigned one of our Deacons to me. I didn't know this, but what a net. To know that I can call on the Ewings and they will do what they can is a great relief. The fear I feel is not from God. I am not alone, Christ never left me. I am weak, but am made strong in Christ. So we keep moving forward and I keep working on my pride. God place me here for a reason.

For those out there that still check in on me and this blog. Thank you. For those out there that still pray for us, please keep praying. Thank you to my church (both local and everywhere) for everything. I don't know that it is possible for you to know how you carry me!

Stuff.. how much of our lives to we spend wanting stuff, changing our stuff, buying stuff, envying others stuff. Mike would fall into the category of "minimalist stuff enthusiast" for sure. When we married, EVERYTHING he owned fit into a two door Geo Metro and that included a large TV. Even so, all of Mike's stuff is still here. Mike is not. I wish it was the other way around.

So after Mike went to heaven, some of the stuff that I really wanted to clear out quickly was his medical stuff - wheelchair, iv poles, medicines, etc. I didn't (and still don't) want to remember Mike sick. I want to fill our lives with memories of him laughing, healthy, and doing what he loved. The story I am about to tell can only be a visual of how God truly does move on this earth and has a plan for things far beyond our vision, our imagination, and even our national boundaries.

After Mike passed away, I had in my refrigerator thousands (literally) of dollars worth of Neupogen and other drugs. At one point, I saw on a medical insurance bill that the Neupogen was billed at $1,000 per shot and I had 15 left. Neupogen is one of those miracle medicines that has come along to increase the white blood cell production in your blood. That is very important to a cancer patient. Chemotherapy can kill white blood cells and without white blood cells even the common cold can kill you. I tried for a long time to give them away to people that might be able to use them. I was not going to throw them away. Every time, I would come up empty and they just sat. At church, I ran into Dr. Armstrong who not only treated Mike twice in the emergency room, but also leads a Medical Mission Trip to Africa each year. We actually have things in common like our daughters play the oboe together in band and his wife led the summer musical that Elizabeth was in two years ago. We don't run in the same circles, but cross paths all the time. Anyway, I asked him if he could use some of Mike's medical supplies. So he came over one afternoon last year and went through all the medications and supplies with me. We dumped some and he took others. He left the Neupogen and went about researching if they could use it in Uganda and then how to transport it 20 + hours and keep in cold with all the other medical equipment and supplies he took over there. He was able to take them and Dr. Armstrong told me he would take pictures and get them to me. I didn't need them. I knew God had a plan for them. I had tried so hard to give them away here, and things seems to fall into place so quickly and easily for them to go to Uganda.

Today, Dr. Armstrong called and said he finally had the video and pictures for me. I was grateful, but honestly had forgotten about it and wasn't expecting what I saw. I literally cried when I saw it. in the video, when he hands the neupogen over and they talk about the milligrams and the eyebrows of the lady raise up... now that is "stuff" that is more than stuff..

Paul Harvy would always say "now for the rest of the story" and it would be cool to tell you about a patient that used it or something like that. But Faith is believing in what you don't see. My faith tells me God used it for a His glory.

I BEG of you to click on this link and scroll down to the bottom of the page and watch this video and then comment and tell me if it moved you the way it moved me!

And it's here... One Year

One year tomorrow. One year. What I wouldn't give for one more moment with Mike. To say that we miss him doesn't even come close to expressing the yearning we have for him everyday. I still don't understand how Mike got cancer so fast and so deadly. Even though it has been 2 1/2 years since Mike got cancer, it doesn't seem that long. It is one of those moments that defines your life. Marriage, birth, salvation, cancer, death....

I have to laugh at my last blog. I felt so strong and so ready to just go. Then the regression happened. Honestly, Valentines Day was the worse. I wanted to shrivel up that day. Our church has been focusing on marriage and that is a heavy blow as well. The last few weeks, my emotions were as out of control as ever. If someone happened to mention Mike, marriage, ask how are you, the tears would just flow over. It really is just a constant pain, sometimes dull sometimes sharp, that you just learn to live with.

Yet, it occurred to me that as much as we miss Mike, it is like a LONG deployment. It never occurs to Elizabeth or I that we will never see him again. It is just going to be a long time before we see him again (God willing). This may sound weird, but that is comforting. I can't imagine grieving without the hope of eternity with Christ. Heaven is a real literal place. No, it is not floating on clouds. It is vibrant and full of life. Honestly, I don't fear death because Mike is there. Christ is there.

One year later, the paperwork is almost put to bed. I was able to get the VA to adjust the DIC payment (they forgot to add Elizabeth) and now all I am waiting is for DFAS to catch up to that. That should be handled shortly. So, really all i's are dotted and t's are crossed...

One year later, it feels very lonely sometimes. It is hard. I am still good at the "everything is great" face. I still love and drink in every moment when people visit or call or write.

One year later, Elizabeth is good at the 'everything is great" face, probably better than me. She is excelling at school, involved at church, doing great in band, and developing closer and closer friendships. She is also working it out with God, which brings me the greatest joy and peace. She misses her father more than probably I even know. He had a way to stretch her, challenge her, listen to her, engage with her that I can't match (nor could he match my ways with her either). But Mike is her foundation and that will never leave her. I thank God for that.

One year later and I wish there was a big red EASY button to push. For me and Elizabeth, I know it is going to take more than one year to be ok or "get over it" as some might think. But in my mind, Mike's loss is more than your average. He was so much more. He was Mike, my beloved husband and the "best Dad ever created" to Elizabeth. And because of that, Elizabeth and I have decided not to mark tomorrow. We are not going to mark his death, but celebrate his life and his legacy by living as we normally would.

One year later, now what? I still don't know. I still pray for wisdom, for a job that fulfills me, for parenting skills, for health, and to continue to know Christ in ways that I have never known.

2011.. A New Year

New Years Eve... 10, 9, 8, 7... how is it possible to think so many thoughts in so few seconds. To leave 2010 behind was both good and bad. The good is the Hope that comes with every new year. To change things, to improve things, to start again. Yet, as I tried to hold back the tears it also meant leaving so much more than just a year. In a way, I am leaving Mike. I am going forward without him. I have to change what I thought was my future and help Elizabeth and I develop a new one. I was thinking one day about my future job and assessing my financial need for this imaginary (as of now) job. It was weird. Before cancer, I always planned with retirement in mind. We talked about places we wanted to go, places we might want to live, how many grandchildren we hope to spoil. All priceless things and moments because it was our dream together. So now as I am thinking what I need to save for the future, I stop and pause.. and actually stop thinking about it because it hurts to much to let go of those dreams that we had together. When you lose someone so precious to you, your loss is so much more than the person. You lose those plans, those dreams, those moments.

6....5...4...3 take a deep breath. Now it is time to accept reality. I am here now because I fell for Mike Phillips heart and soul and that I would not change. If I had somehow been given the vision of these last 2 years before we got married, I would have still said, "I do". The ride, the love, the moments, our daughter, our life... all worth it.

2...1... 2011 is here. Time to move forward and honor Mike. While Mike is gone, he left his heart, soul, and love here with Elizabeth and I. Elizabeth does things everyday that are so Mike. I can hear his voice cheering us on. Time to pull it together with Christ's help!

Twas the Week before Christmas

My intentions of posting more have fallen to the wayside due to "Christmas Craziness"! The weeks have been full of concerts, activities, our Churches Christmas Journey, shopping, baking, decorating, and moments of peaceful happiness watching classic Christmas cartoons on the couch with Elizabeth.

The past weeks have had their ups and downs and one day of full out crying. I was bound and determined to get Christmas Cards out this year and it forced me to go through all the cards from Mike's funeral. Oh, it hurt so much, but I am so grateful too. Eight months ago, I didn't think it would be possible to still be standing, much less "living (going forward)" when Mike went home to Jesus. I had a moment when I thought, "I can't believe I have made it this far. Mike would be so proud of me." But then I realized reading those cards, "I" didn't do it. It was your cards, your emails, your posts, your phone calls, your kindness, your listening ears, your understanding, and CHRIST who kept us going. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you. We still have major hurdles in front of us (like Elizabeth's birthday!), so I am asking you to still pray for us and keep us in your hearts. But, thank you Lord Jesus for carrying us with your loving arms or with your wonderful followers all over the world.

JESUS is BETTER than SANTA

Santa lives at the North Pole ~ JESUS is EVERYWHERE!

Santa rides in a sleigh ~ JESUS rides on the wind and walks on water!

Santa comes but once a year ~ JESUS is an ever present help.

Santa fills your stockings with goodies ~ JESUS supplies all your needs.

Santa comes down the chimney uninvited ~ JESUS stands at your door and knocks..and then enters your HEART!

You have to stand in line to see Santa ~ JESUS is as close as the mention of His name.

Santa lets you sit in his lap ~ JESUS lets you rest in His arms!

Santa doesnt' know your name. He says, "Hi little girl or boy. What is your name?"

JESUS knew our name before we were born. Not only does He know our name, but He knows our address too. He knows our history and future and He evens knows the numbers of hairs on your head.

Santa has a belly like a bowlful of jelly ~ JESUS has a heart full of Love.

All Santa can offer is Ho, Ho, Ho. ~ JESUS offers health, help and hope.

Santa says "you better not cry" ~ JESUS says "cast all your cares on me for I care for you"

Santa's little helpers make toys ~ JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs broken homes, and builds mansions.

Santa may make you chuckle ~ JESUS gives you joy that is your strength.

While Santa puts gifts under your tree ~ JESUS became our gift and died on a tree!

JESUS IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON!

Merry CHRISTmas!

Thankfulness

Thanksgiving is this week and I have so much to be thankful for this year, despite losing Mike (or Mike gaining heaven might be a better way of saying it).

I am so thankful that God in His infinite wisdom knitted this marvelous daughter, Elizabeth out of Mike and I. She is a beautiful reminder of life, Mike, and what really matters.

I am thankful for this house that we managed to buy (by God's grace) this time last year.

I am thankful to the USAF and all those we served with over the years who still consider us family.

I am thankful for my family that continues to be near when I need them to be and to back away when I need space to grieve by myself.

I am thankful for the nieces and nephews. I love being near them and being apart of their lives.

I am thankful for my friends - both new and old - who continue to pray for me and support me and listen to me no matter where in the world they live.

I am thankful for my church that allows me to serve Christ in all ways and for a church that strengthens my walk with Christ.

I am thankful for wonderful husband who loved me probably more than I deserved and who lived his life so fully. I am thankful for the incredible memories and the journey that our marriage took.

I am thankful that I got to love Mike to his very last earthly breath.

I am thankful that I found Christ and that I know that someday I will be with Mike in Heaven.

I am thankful .... I am.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Veteran's Day Tribute

So this is my tribute to all those serving and all those that have served. I have thought a lot today about the men and women who serve this country no matter what. They leave family, friends, spouses, children in a moments notice and know what it means to serve. Thank you.

Picture of Mike coming home in Spring of 2002. A happy Dad and a happy daughter!

Picture from Mike's funeral. My heart is so full of gratitude to each of you for being there for us and honoring Mike.

Mike is front at Change of Command Ceremony in Fall 2007

Freedom isn't free. It is bought and protected by those willing to go at all costs.

(we miss you Mike!)

8 month marker

The holidays are fast approaching. Every where we step, there are firsts all around. Elizabeth and I are slowly evolving into a team. She helps with typical things like laundry, chores, and cleaning. But now, she is climbing the ladder to replace one of our filters for the air conditioning (one is too high for me!) and helping put up lights outside on the trees. (yes.. we put up some christmas lights this weekend. The weather was great!).

I can't believe Mike has been in Heaven 8 months now and the whole is still turning. Sometimes you get mad that the world still turns, but it does. I have just finished pulling Mike's name off of the last account today. It took a letter from the lawyer, but it is finally put to bed. I am still waiting on the VA to respond to our DIC claim on Elizabeth. But that will happen in VA time. It was an oversight on their part and now we just need to wait in the que to get processed.

I have put going back to school on hold. I feel like I have to apologize for still not working yet. To who I don't know! But I have a lot of baggage that I am working on and I feel I need more time to pull my self out of the trauma that has unfolded since the word "cancer" entered our world.

Elizabeth and I are slowly functioning even though there is a big hole. We laugh, we retreat, we talk about the future, and talk about Mike/Daddy all the time. I really believe we are as normal as you can be in this process or just OK - which is fine. I find that not only has my relationship with Elizabeth evolved since Mike's death, but my relationship with Jesus has evolved as well. When Mike passed, I lost my teacher and someone who really knew how to apply the bible deeply in life. Now, I am on my own, and it really has made me struggle with my beliefs. My relationship with Jesus and life is so much cleared and very black and white. When Mike was sick, Jesus was so tender, so real and so close to the touch. As I have struggled to come to grips with Mike passing, I have wrestled with Jesus; wrestled with myself. If I love Jesus so much, why do I want Mike to come back? I have really wrestled, and in the end, Job speaks so loudly..
where were you when I laid the foundations of this earth? Tell me if you understand. Who marked off its' dimensions? Surely you know?
God is God. I am not. AND yet, as much as I questioned, as hard as I have pushed, he has not let go of me. He has not let go of Elizabeth. He is still treating us tenderly and blessing us in this storm. And somehow, 8 months into this new, uncharted, unwanted, unplanned journey, there are times you get the very slight glimpse of hope/light in the tomorrows to come.

I don't know who wrote this song, but I wonder if this song came out of tremedous grief. It speaks better than I do!

Oh no, you never let go
through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, you never let go
in every high and every low.
Oh no, you never let go
Lord you never let go of me!

I can see the light that is coming
for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
but until that day comes
we will live to know You on this earth.

And I will fear no evil
for my God is with me.
And if my God is with me
then whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?

Oh no, you never let go
through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, you never let go
in every high and every low.
Oh no you never let go
Lord, you NEVER let go of ME!

So that is is where we still are.. The Lord is holding on to us and he won't let go. So as it was in the beginning, we are ever in His Hands and Holding on Tightly!

Forced Closet Clean Out

I was forced into cleaning out Mike's clothes yesterday. It is funny because weeks ago I bought boxes, but I just couldn't do it. So the boxes have been sitting in another closet waiting. Yesterday, I got home from church and the rack holding my clothes ripped out from the wall and all my clothes were on the floor. Mike had the top rack and I had the bottom rack - yes I am the short one in the family. After a few tears, I took a deep breath and began the task. It was bigger than it seems, because in order to move the special clothes into the other closet in our room, it meant I had to clean out that one too.

So I laid Mike's clothes on the bed and waited for Elizabeth to get home from the Texas State Fair. She sat on the bed and she said, "I'm not ready to get rid of Daddy's clothes." I asked her why and the only answer she would give me is "because". I pushed her because I wanted her to verbalize the why, and she said, "Don't you think I have lost enough all ready?" (Ouch..) We talked more about others that could use the clothes, etc.. In the end, we boxed up 90% of the clothes, moved the box into the guest room to wait for another day, and left the very special ones hanging in the front bedroom closet.

Now for anyone who knew Mike, his wardrobe of choice was always black t-shirt and jeans. Actually that was his second choice. His first choice would always be the flight suit. We did not boxed up any of those t-shirts, and Elizabeth continues to sleep in her Daddy's t-shirts every night. I doubt that will ever changed.

I wonder about the rack falling down in the closet yesterday. In looking at the construction of it, I am sure more will follow. But why did it fall yesterday instead of when we moved in? Somehow I feel like it was a push to do something that has been in the back of my mind for awhile, but I just couldn't do it. It is really funny sometimes how you walk between just wanting to "rip off the band aid" of grief. You tell yourself if you just put your head down and walk over the hot coals, that it will hurt really bad, but then you won't hurt anymore. But it is not true. Grief is a slow throbbing pain that is constant and has flare ups sometimes. Yesterday was a flare up, but this morning I felt as if a weight had been lifted when I picked out my clothes this morning..... weird.

Mike wrote about this day 2 years ago

Mike wrote in the September 9, 2008 blog the following:

I am a small, selfish, ugly man in character. And yet to glorify Jesus he has chosen to send us through this storm. Maybe so everyone will know his power. I will let you in on a secret. God showed me a man I know, rising up from the baptismal waters, smiling because he knows freedom and joy in Jesus. I don't know when or how this will happen, but I know now that it will happen. If this storm is God's will to happen in order to bring more people to a saving faith, then I say bring it on, no matter what the outcome. A small bargain to pay, a privilege that Jesus would use us this way. ~ Sept. 9, 2008

Today was the day that God pre-destined. I saw it and longed for Mike to be there with me watching. I know that he is celebrating awaiting the time when we will all be together with him in Heaven. I am grateful to God that he showed Mike so long ago - kind of like showing Moses the promise land, even though he never got to enter it in his lifetime. We serve such a amazing, gracious, and powerful God.

Trying to Adjust and VA insights

Has it really been over a month since I posted? It doesn't seem like it on this end. I have no great philosophical insights into what life is like. Both Elizabeth and I are still in grief therapy as we are both still trying to process grief. It has been over six months now, and I still miss Mike. I am still lost at what the future is supposed to be now without him. I plague God constantly with all kinds of questions... and I praise Him constantly for being a God that doesn't strike me down as I ask the hard ones. At the same time, I spend many a night on my knees thanking God for his intimate care of Elizabeth and I. I personally know other widows that are in completely different boats after their husbands past away. I know how blessed I am that I have time to walked through issues.

Since I lasted posted, we crossed that six month mark. We were blessed to spend that weekend with Dena in Omaha, mostly eating and playing with her IPAD. I do admit that there are still times when I think, " I just need to hold on and Mike will be home soon." A reflection of the many years to TDY's and Deployments. I personally wonder if maybe a military spouse/ child might have more difficulties dealing with loss due to the effects of the military lifestyle.

So at the six (almost 7) month mark, somethings are better, some are the same. I thank God that most of the estate is settled. I have one thing to do at Scot trade, the HAP program payment, and the VA and DIC mess up to deal with. The VA is the most confusing thing sometimes. I don't understand how you can call and talk to different people and get different answers. Truly, I don't know who to believe. In my case, because Mike died of a service-connected condition, both Elizabeth and I qualify for DIC - which is one form that I filled out and put BOTH of our information in accurately. However, I have only been getting paid for me and not Elizabeth. She is entitled to another $240 a month. I have been getting letters (last one Aug) that states they are still working on my claim.

That is the first part I don't understand. Why are they still working on my claim and yet I have been receiving DIC for me? It seems that it is a one entry deal into a system. Wife - check the box. Child - child the box. Enter. Done. But that is not the case for me. So I have called and I have got the answer in August that they are still working on Dependency portion (child). So fast forward a month and I get a letter that states that I have been declined additional compensation and that there will be no change in the DIC awarded. However, this letter relates to a claim that was put in for additional money due Mike while he was still alive. Now, I do not recall putting that paperwork in, but it might have been done with all the paperwork submitted right after Mike passed away. Of course, I picked up the phone and called to try to figure this out. So the one agent told me that there is no claim outstanding for Elizabeth and that I didn't put Elizabeth on the original form that I submitted (false..I have a copy) and that I need to submit a form for Dependency. However, I will not get back pay because it wasn't on the original form (again..false). So I am confused at this point. Elizabeth was born into the military, has always been on everything AF and VA, so even IF I didn't put that on the form why wouldn't she be entitled to back pay? I think people should be given a little grace when it comes to filling out VA forms in the midst of grief!

The more I thought about it, it just didn't settle with me. So I called back the next day and talked to another person that said that it was a different matter and that Dependency is still being considered and to wait until you hear from the VA...hmmmmm. What do you do? I have a form in front of me that the lady told me to fill out for Dependency. I flat out asked the guy, should I call back and check on it and he said wait for a letter. I know the VA takes things in and then places it in order it received, but he couldn't give me a time frame. I would at least like to know it takes 6 months so call back in Dec if you don't hear anything. Actually, as I am typing this, I will call CARE Coalition next week and get their opinion. Maybe they can help me out. (CARE Coalition - a wonderful program for Special Op troops throughout all service to help those who are injured within the Special Op world. Because Mike was under their umbrella when he got cancer, he and now me, is part of it. They were a great held with the HAP program).

Other "grief" things I still notice are the memory lapses. I do things and don't remember doing them. With the help of my friend Jennifer, I am putting together a memory book of the funeral. I noticed a picture of me walking down the steps after Elizabeth and I gave the opening remarks and Pastor Chris was helping me. I don't remember Chris helping me down the steps. I gave my sister-in-law a book to read about a week ago and I don't remember that. Silly stuff mostly, but I find it mind boggling. It doesn't happen often, but it does happen.

As time goes on I see signs of Elizabeth grieving that are not what I would have thought prior to this happening. She is putting tons of stress on herself over the simplest things. Things matter when they don't matter. She also has times where she shuts the world out.

But on the flip side, we talk about Mike all the time. We laugh about stuff that he did. I ask, "What do you think Daddy would say to this?" There are so many times that Elizabeth does stuff or says stuff just like Mike and I call her on it. Overall we still include him/ his memory in our everyday life. We miss him so much. I need his help with the computer. I need him to make the fan in the bedroom to stop squeaking. I need his height so I can stop getting out the stupid step ladder. But, I know he would be proud of us and how we are figuring it out. I know it.

Much love to everyone!

HAP Program Granted!

Given up on the blog yet? I have gotten a few emails of very loving friends to remind me to post. Things have been busy for Elizabeth and I. Right after Mike's birthday, we decided to take a trip to visit our friend Wendy in Germany. We then convinced her to plan a trip with us to Greece. I think she is still recovering from our visit! We were able to escape the summer heat here, enjoy the beautiful country side in Germany, see my dear friend Dawn, and do back to school shopping in Heidelberg. The trip was surreal. I do love to travel and experience things. It is bittersweet, because Mike would have loved every minute of it. He would have really loved Greece. Now, he would have hated the heat there, but absolutely loved the history, archeology, and the food! Actually, I am still dreaming about the wonderful food especially in Crete. I have never had fresher food in my life.

I have had thought of blogging over the past weeks, but I admit that my emotions are all tangled up and I know by now people are wanting me to post that life is a bed of roses. As I told a friend of mine, sometimes I feel like such a fraud. I am struggling to come to grips with Mike being in heaven every day. I really want him to come home, but I swear I hear him saying I AM home. It is so insane sometimes. As many know, Elizabeth and I are reading through the Bible and I was reading Job. Right after Job loses everything, he is in such turmoil. I was reading that to Elizabeth and flat out bawling. It was if they were my words and I was pleading with God to make sense of everything. Yet, then there are days when I am on my knees thanking God for the blessings in my life. Thanking God that I have loved someone so much and that I had the opportunity to be loved and married to a man like Mike. Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde all the way baby!

My really big news is that our HAP appeal went all the way to Washington DC and by God's grace it was approved. So Mike and I are eligible to re coop some costs on our Florida house. Best of all, I pray that we have paved the way for others in our situation. So many of our military are being hit by cancer. I just know that at some point, there will be a link between cancer and exposures in the line of duty. I do have to tell you that I cry every time someone calls about it. When I found out, I just cried. It is the first time in so long that something has gone right. I just couldn't understand how we didn't qualify. But Mike finally did under the Wounded Warrior clause.

The flip side to that is the VA. I am still waiting on the Burial reimbursement and even though I have started receiving DIC, they are not giving Elizabeth her benefit under that program. I have called and then I got a call that they are still processing and there are others in front of us, which I do understand. What I am confused about is how I started receiving it (for me) and yet my claim is still processing for Elizabeth. You would think that would be a one processing deal.

Other than that, Elizabeth started school this week and I have faxed over my transcripts to the local college to start the process of going back to school in January to earn a teaching certificate.
I will do better at posting...

Please continue to pray for our hearts, the grief, and our future. Please pray for Elizabeth's friend Lindy who lost her dad recently. Please pray for Eric and Earl as they battle Satan's Cancer.

Happy Birthday Mike...

Elizabeth and I have spent some time with friends and family on a vacation this week. Something went haywire with the blog and I have tried to do a temporary fix. This is one of my favorite pictures of Mike. It was taken by Beetle on a cross country flight from Tucson to New England. Mike found pure joy in the air and it shows in this picture.

We have yet another milestone this week... Mike's birthday. I don't know if it will be as hard as say Father's Day or our Wedding Anniversary. He hated celebrating his birthday. When you asked him what he wanted he would say an airplane. That was it. I wish we would have just taken the plunge and done it. When you asked him how old he was he would say, "27." I asked him once why 27? Seems like as odd age. He told me he always thought he would only live to age 27. There are so many questions now that he has gone home that I would love to sit down and know the answer too like Mike's thought that he would die young.

So I have been wondering if people celebrate their birthdays in Heaven? I float back and forth between the earthly birth celebration or do they celebrate the earthly re-birth day (Salvation Day) or do they celebrate the Heavenly Birthday (day when you walk into heaven and see Jesus?). In my heart of hearts, I believe celebrations exist in heaven. I mean if Jesus will one day say "well done my good and faithful servant" that statement alone indicates celebration right? I ponder stuff like this all the time.

Finally, please continue to pray for Eric Schmidt at Barksdale AFB and his cancer battle. I would love to contact him somehow especially now that from his last posting it seems like they will be retiring him to just give him some advice/lessons learned from our process.

Mike, we miss you so much. Life is so different without you. Happy, Happy Birthday.... I hope the celebration in Heaven is tremendous. Elizabeth and I plan to honor it here with a trip to one of your favorites... Waffle House!