The holidays are fast approaching. Every where we step, there are firsts all around. Elizabeth and I are slowly evolving into a team. She helps with typical things like laundry, chores, and cleaning. But now, she is climbing the ladder to replace one of our filters for the air conditioning (one is too high for me!) and helping put up lights outside on the trees. (yes.. we put up some christmas lights this weekend. The weather was great!).
I can't believe Mike has been in Heaven 8 months now and the whole is still turning. Sometimes you get mad that the world still turns, but it does. I have just finished pulling Mike's name off of the last account today. It took a letter from the lawyer, but it is finally put to bed. I am still waiting on the VA to respond to our DIC claim on Elizabeth. But that will happen in VA time. It was an oversight on their part and now we just need to wait in the que to get processed.
I have put going back to school on hold. I feel like I have to apologize for still not working yet. To who I don't know! But I have a lot of baggage that I am working on and I feel I need more time to pull my self out of the trauma that has unfolded since the word "cancer" entered our world.
Elizabeth and I are slowly functioning even though there is a big hole. We laugh, we retreat, we talk about the future, and talk about Mike/Daddy all the time. I really believe we are as normal as you can be in this process or just OK - which is fine. I find that not only has my relationship with Elizabeth evolved since Mike's death, but my relationship with Jesus has evolved as well. When Mike passed, I lost my teacher and someone who really knew how to apply the bible deeply in life. Now, I am on my own, and it really has made me struggle with my beliefs. My relationship with Jesus and life is so much cleared and very black and white. When Mike was sick, Jesus was so tender, so real and so close to the touch. As I have struggled to come to grips with Mike passing, I have wrestled with Jesus; wrestled with myself. If I love Jesus so much, why do I want Mike to come back? I have really wrestled, and in the end, Job speaks so loudly..
where were you when I laid the foundations of this earth? Tell me if you understand. Who marked off its' dimensions? Surely you know?
God is God. I am not. AND yet, as much as I questioned, as hard as I have pushed, he has not let go of me. He has not let go of Elizabeth. He is still treating us tenderly and blessing us in this storm. And somehow, 8 months into this new, uncharted, unwanted, unplanned journey, there are times you get the very slight glimpse of hope/light in the tomorrows to come.
I don't know who wrote this song, but I wonder if this song came out of tremedous grief. It speaks better than I do!
Oh no, you never let go
through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, you never let go
in every high and every low.
Oh no, you never let go
Lord you never let go of me!
I can see the light that is coming
for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
but until that day comes
we will live to know You on this earth.
And I will fear no evil
for my God is with me.
And if my God is with me
then whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?
Oh no, you never let go
through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, you never let go
in every high and every low.
Oh no you never let go
Lord, you NEVER let go of ME!
So that is is where we still are.. The Lord is holding on to us and he won't let go. So as it was in the beginning, we are ever in His Hands and Holding on Tightly!
5 comments:
I believe the song was written by Matt Redman.
There are many days that I find myself clinging to the thought that He does not let go. It's not something I can feel...there is no feeling to cling to in that moment. It's just a thought, a knowledge, one that goes so far beneath the surface that I can't shake it even when I can't feel it and am not sure why I still believe it.
I am proud of you, Deanna. I am proud of Elizabeth. And I miss you.
Lisa
Hi from Australia! This is such a beautiful and inspiring blog. I haven't read back too far but enough to know what has gone on and I find myself now logging in to see how you guys are coping. I can't keep from crying at some of your posts and to also feel admiration at how you and your children are getting on with things even it still hurts and probably will for a long time. I lost my dad 18 months ago and still think of him and have a cry every single morning when I awake and I watch my mother struggle through each day still missing her soulmate and STILL having to deal with the red tape involved in removing someones name from all the legal documentation. I often wonder if it ever gets easier.
Please know people are thinking of you and may your faith give you the comfort that you need.
I'm sorry I just realised you have the one daughter. You are blessed to have her in your life. May you and Elizabeth have the support of all the special people in your life.
Deanna,
I was so happy to be able to read an update on your lives! We just sang that song in church! I LOVE the fact that you started with "in His Hands and Holding on Tightly" and you haven't let go...and obviously He hasn't either! I continue to pray faithfully for you 2. XO Gini
Okay...I was just about to email you...when I decided to check your blog one last time. You know how often you are thought about and prayed for?....VERY often! So, you've got to post more often, if you don't want me to bug you! :)
I miss you gals, and rest in knowing the Lord will continue to comfort you, bless you and guide you. Deanna...eight months later, I still find myself searching for the right words to say. My heart still breaks for you and Elizabeth. Please know, that I have been and will continue to pray for you both.
I praising our Lord because I KNOW "He will never let go!"
Love you always, Roxanne
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