Weeping..

This past week has been a hard week. I haven't posted because I am just struggling. My birthday was this past weekend and I went through the motions but in the end, I didn't want to celebrate it. It is just too soon. There are times when I am so sad that it physically hurts and I don't want to talk about it. My sadness has nothing to do with my faith. I am completely confident of Jesus, of Mike in heaven, and God is so near us. But I am sad.

Interesting enough, last Wednesday at church, Curtis led a discussion from John 11 where Lazarus died and he raised him. But what stuck out to me, was the sadness that surrounded Lazarus's death. In fact there is one sentence in there that keeps coming to me over and over... Jesus wept. I take so much comfort in that. Even the most Holy cried and He knew that he was about to raise Lazarus. He knew Lazarus was safe and He knew the plans for Him, but He loved him so much that he was sad and cried. So as I struggle to move forward and what that looks like, I continue to look to Jesus to wrap me, hold me, and help me. But I know the tears are shed are ok too.

I have gotten about 60% of the paperwork done at this point. Maybe more. I have a meeting with Social Security Administration tomorrow, so hopefully that will be done by the time that meeting is done. I think I am at the point, where all the paperwork is in and now I am waiting for the next step which could take anywhere from 3 days to 30 days, depending on the organization. I am still not sure if I will have to probate Mike's will or not. So that might be another step. Everything is just going to take time. I continue to be impressed with USAA. They have always been a great bank, but I tell you they have been the easiest to work with by far. I continue to be horribly disappointed with First Command Financial Planning. I will be moving everything away from them as soon as possible. I have sent paperwork to the VA and am waiting on a response there and I just got the paperwork off to the AF and waiting the response there.

Prayer needs:
Just pray over me and Elizabeth... this road is full of unexpected valleys and peaks. Pray that we keep walking
Pray for direction for me

Praise:
My sweet daughter and her incredible gift yesterday. She wrote me a note from Mike and it sounded just like him. She also gave me a "Life Box" and filled it full of trinkets and notes like a cup to remind me that my cup overflows with Jesus.
Counseling at church
Cards, notes, emails, everything from Everybody. I hope to start pushing out Thank yous soon.
Meals from friends that are starting up this week. I turned them down last week, thinking it was time for me to kick things in gear. But the paperwork kept me from cooking and we had grilled cheese a lot last week.

All Business today with a side of Tears

Well, I have spent most of my day dealing with the "business" side of death for lack of a better term. I went to school and got all the notes together for the 9 days that Elizabeth has missed over the past two months at school. I went to church to tie up loose ends there and get counseling set up for Elizabeth and I. I went to the funeral home to check in there and pick up the death certificates (yes, I cried when I was proofing them... ). I went to school and had lunch with Elizabeth. I made phone calls and have appointments with Social Security Administration, Edward Jones, and First Command. I have filled out paperwork for the Causality Assistance Office and VA which led to questions that I need to get answered tomorrow. I have gotten signatures, copies of documents, and voided checks. I picked up carpool, ran back to get Elizabeth from Oboe, ran to Office Max for printer cartridges (twice) and tried to help with home work.

I have spent time crying today. I have spent time laughing today. Most importantly, I have spent time being hugged by Elizabeth. God is so good and I am exhausted.

Prayer needs:
Focus on priority tasks
Wisdom and protection as I file and fill out stuff
Sleep
Parental skills

Praise:
For Mike and his provision for us
SBP, insurance, and pre-filled out forms
USAA - I LOVE this bank. They have been incredible!

PS. I want everyone to know how grateful I am for everything. I have a ton of thank you notes to write, but I have to get the paperwork done first. So the notes will be late, but you have blessed Elizabeth and I (and Mike) beyond words

Home

We are home. It is great to be home and I am excited to sleep in my bed with my pillows. Yet, being home is hard. Mike is everywhere, as he should be, and it is so hard to keep emotions in check. I am also tired and know a good night sleep will do me a world of good. I did go through all the cards tonight that have arrived and they gave me a good cry, a good laugh, good memories, and absolute love. Thank you. Elizabeth and I needed it.

Wendy has done a fabulous job while I have been gone and it is so much easier to come home because she has everything under control. In fact she reminded Elizabeth of an orthodontist appointment on Wednesday that she rescheduled for Elizabeth after Mike passed away. She has organized the mail by to do piles and the only thing I need to do is to pick one pile and just start. I think the thing I dread the most is that we had finally gotten everything done and now I need to start all over. But not today. Today I need to sleep. AND not tomorrow. Tomorrow I need to spend time worshipping. It is two weeks to Easter... the cross. I think this Easter will be different and better. To really spend this next few weeks walking the walk Christ did for our salvation and eternal life in heaven will be a great gift in light of the last few weeks. To really study, to really meditate at the foot of the cross. I'm in!

Prayer needs:
Emotionally healing
Wisdom for decisions
Energy to plug away at the paperwork
Time for myself
Parenting skills
Elizabeth's emotional healing and strength

Praises:
Dear friends and family
The cross
Emails, calls, texts, letters, everything from everybody that is helping me get up each morning
One more day

Last Night in London

I am sad that our time is done here. We have had so much fun and the weather has been perfect. We have done everything on our must do list and then some including finding geocache's all around the city. I have shopped, eaten pasties, fish and chips, chocolate and had my fill of lemonade. It has been a great diversion. But with every minute that ticks by, my heart gets sad and my mind starts to float to going home. I want to go. BUT I don't want to go home. BUT I have to go home. Tomorrow is the day that I have to turn another page. I need to jump on paperwork, getting Elizabeth back to school, getting counseling together for both of us. Please pray for us as we travel back to the States and back to a life without Mike waiting for us at the airport.

This will also be the first time Elizabeth and I will return home without a secret animal message on Elizabeth's bed. Whenever Elizabeth would go on a trip, Mike would pull out all of her stuff animals (tons!) and create a secret message like a heart or "i luv u" . It always brought a smile.

Video of Mike's Celebration of Life

Some have gotten this link and some have requested it so I am posting in on the blog...



http://www.winterlive.com/baptist/index.php?player=1&videoID=1355&isgues

the password: elizabeth

We are still in London and having a great time. We went to Greenwich, Tower of London, Harrod's, Hamleys, and went to Wicked. Elizabeth is loving the freedom of public transportation and has gotten very good at navigating us around London. (We let her lead us). She has also been geocaching at every site we have been to. That is loads of fun for her and Doug. Last night, we had a wonderful dinner with the attache's from Finland and Australia. A wonderful 3 + hour dinner with incredible conversation.

Today, we are off to the British Museum finally. The weather has been so nice here, we have postponed it everyday to do outside things.

We will post pictures soom.

Tourist

We are still here and the weather is beautiful for London. Lot's of sun and temps in the low 50's. Yesterday, we changed plans and went to Trafalgar's' Square. We then walked down by the Horses' Guard, Downing Street, by Big Ben and Parliament. We then walked over to the London Eye. Elizabeth, Austin, Doug and Dena took the World's Tallest Ferris Wheel. My fear of heights kept me on the ground with Sherry. It was a beautiful day.

Today we are headed to Greenwich and then Hamley's (famous toy store...Doug's idea not mine!) and then to WICKED tonight here in LONDON (my idea... I have wanted to see this show forever!)

Church...

England is great and we have had a good time so far. We met Chaplain Viccellio (Hodge) in Cambridge at the Eagle Eye Pub - a WWII pub that has airplane memoriabila in a back room. We also hooked up with Kathleen and Erin Mulhbauer. In fact, Elizabeth found a 37th Bomb Squadron Patch (one of Mikes squadrons from Ellsworth). We went to an open market and then went geocaching. Fun was had by all until Elizabeth took a wrong turn and assumed that everyone was following her. After a "mom panic", Jeff and Doug and Kathleen ran back and found her by the Mathmatical bridge sitting on a bench. She was at least smart enough to sit and wait for us to find her. Lord help me...

We finally made it home, had a great dinner and went to bed. Today we are off to church and British Muesum... Have to go Sherry is tapping her foot at me!